What Did They Know?

 

Vax Adverse Events

Interesting Reads

 

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7539925/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7778723/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7778723/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9515697/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11008553/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4639773/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7564151/

For Phoebe........

 

I have struggled with myself as to whether I should actually write this post. After last night, I feel that I should. Life is too short to not say the important stuff.

This life article is for my sister, Phoebe.

 

I have no clue why Mom spaced out our siblings the way she did. She never really explained that. I was 8 years old when you came along. To say that I was thrilled with the idea of having a younger sibling would have been an understatement. When I learned I had a sister, that was even better…. Or so I thought. That is how things SHOULD have been.

I helped set up the nursery. I read all of my books to you. Back then car seats weren’t a thing. You had a small back seat bassinet, and it was my job to ride in the back with you to make sure you stayed safe. I shared the Barbies with you and even gave you some of my favorite ones. Things were good for a while.

I have spent many hours trying to understand your attitude towards me that began from the moment you learned to talk. I have been discussing such issues with my therapist and only recently truly understood the attitude issue began when you were a toddler.

But what I have to say is important. I need to say it and you need to hear it.

Before you came along, I was bullied in school, at Sunday School and pretty much everywhere. I could count the people I called “friends” on one hand. I am not including the ones Mom considered family and we grew up together. I was a chubby kid, had coke bottle glasses, a lazy eye and I read a lot. I did not fit in with any crowd, not neatly anyways. So, I spent a lot of time being a free range kid, a tomboy and alone.

But then, I had a sister. I thought that meant BFF’s for life even before the “BFF” came to be popular. I tried to be the best big sister. I helped Mom a lot with you and I loved doing it. I think this was the single thing that drove me to want my own kids and NOT space them out the way Mom did with us.

As you became a toddler though, things began to change. Again, looking back, it seems like you were born hating me. For all of the external bullying I endured on a daily basis, none of it compared to how cruel you were.

It started with typical toddler stuff that I never tattled about. You broke something I cared about, on purpose then ran away laughing. You destroyed fancy Barbie dresses, on purpose. You ripped pages out of my books, even my school books. You dumped juice on my turntable and broke many of my vinyl records.

Mom got tired of replacing what you broke and at the age of 11, informed me that if anything else got broken I would have to do odd jobs and replace it myself. You laughed yourself into fits over that. The one thing she kept replacing was my glasses. You delighted in breaking them. Many times, you would sneak in my room at night and bust the ear piece off or break one of the lenses while I slept.

But it was verbal too. None of the external bullies were as cruel as you in the words you chose to use to tear me down. I did not deserve any of it, but you made sure to demean me multiple times a day. Some of the names you called me were too cruel to repeat here.

As you entered grade school, a new way to torture me began. You lied to Mom, a lot. You would do things and blame it on me. I would be the one punished. I began to detest having a sister but still tried to do my duty as the big sister. It was also during this time that the age gap became a wedge of its own.

I could dress up nice and Mom would tell you to “say something” and the nasty remarks sent me back to my room in tears. Mom knew my face cleaners, the ones from the dermatologist, were messed with. She refused to believe it was you that put something in them. Same thing for my make-up, snacks (that you said I didn’t need to bother with because I was already the size of a whale) and literally anything you could ruin, you tried to.

Even with all of this going on, I still took you trick or treating, helped decorate for birthday parties, took you to the mall, and tried to be the big sister I thought you deserved. I was not perfect. I snarked some comments right back at you, but none of mine were as cruel as the ones you threw at me.

When I was 14, I spent the summer in Missouri with George. That summer I lost a lot of weight, cut my hair and made a lot of changes to myself. The changes were so drastic that you didn’t even recognize me when I got off the plane. What I expected I would hear was not what I heard though. I had expected to hear how good a job I did at dropping nearly 100 lbs., clearing up the acne and how nice the new haircut looked.

Wow, was I wrong about that. The insults began when you realized who I was. Right in the airport you called me a whale in Jordache. It was around this time that I quit trying to be the “good big sister”. I spent most of my time away from the house in an effort to avoid you. I also began dreaming of the day I would turn 16 because I would be out of that house one way or another.

It was also around this time our tit for tat game began. You would ruin something of mine, so I returned the favor. I was always the only one being punished though. I began resenting Mom for being so blind she couldn’t or wouldn’t see what you were doing. The name calling and cruel remarks you said right in front of her, and I cannot recall a single time she ever spoke up in my defense on that.

Between the external bullies and the torment I was forced to endure at home I began hating school, hating pretty much everything. My goals were crushed by a child who cared only for herself. Somewhere through all of that I lost myself. My dreams were written in my diary, with a bulleted list on how to achieve them. Until you found that diary and mocked the words before destroying it page by page. The look in your eyes that day was one of pure hatred that to this day I do not understand.

You have always tried to pass off the blame onto others as to why you behaved this way or that way. But the behavior existed long before either of my two husbands came along. That hatred towards me existed within you from the moment you could form sentences.

Just before we moved from Michigan, I volunteered at the public library. I had done it for years, loved doing it and likely would have pursued a degree in Library Sciences. That came to an end though when you kept sabotaging my bicycle. The day I gave up was the day my bike was stolen. I always thought you had that done but I could never prove it.

When Mom uprooted us to move from Michigan to Kentucky, yes I hated it. I loved living in the hills, loved when we lived in the holler, even began to thrive again. But you found a way to make it miserable for me. If I had a school function, sorry Phoebe has this or that so she wouldn’t let me.

I was in advanced placement and college prep classes in Kentucky. I even tried out for and MADE the tennis team, a sport I loved. I had to quit the team because you made sure I could not make it to the games or practice. Oh Mom, I forgot I have this or that on that day. Even if I managed to work up enough money I was forced to attend your school functions.

The last straw was the Sweetheart dance that my date stood me up for. You knew his parents were super strict and you made sure some pretty nasty rumors got around about me. Rumors you knew would get back to them, gotta love small town gossip. Between the rumors Mom told and the ones you started my “reputation” was ruined before my flower was ever picked. Those rumors almost got me raped on more than one occasion.

When the chance came for me to get out of that house, believe me, I jumped on it. Aunt Lou, a truly amazing woman, needed help and asked for me. So, Mom sent me by Greyhound back to Michigan to live with her and help her. For the first time in years, I slept amazing. I enjoyed waking up and facing the day, even though I had to get up an extra hour earlier to tend to Aunt Lou before rushing off to school.

While I was in Michigan, you convinced Mom to move into town, a much smaller place. You made sure there was no room for me if I needed to return. So, when Ray proposed to me, I saw a long term solution, not love. When I got pregnant, you and Mom came to Virginia Beach for the baby shower. You were rude to the guests, making the entire visit almost unbearable. But you liked Ray. I think you only liked him because he got me out of the house for good, until it fell apart.

Maybe one day I will detail everything wrong with that marriage, today is not that day. The circumstances became that I had to flee him. When you woke up and saw me there it was right back to the hateful comments, cruel remarks and sick forms of torture. The one thing I thought was good, you and Brandi bonding. I was like maybe you two could have a better relationship than you and I ever had.

Again, how wrong I was.

While you and Brandi became closer, your torment of me kept growing. In those two years I went back to finish my GED, held multiple jobs trying to do right as a single mom and had not even begun dating again. Maybe you forgot about all the jobs I worked during that time, maybe not. When I had a car, you always asked me to take you places, which I did. I was the Sister Taxi Service, you called it that, even said I should paint it on the door of my car.

I wasn’t immediately aware that you and Mom had gone behind my back to try to force Ray and I to reunite. The two of you kept the pressure on even after the divorce was final and I had won sole, full custody of Brandi.

Once again, I looked for a long-term way out of that house. I call it a “house” because after you came along it was no longer “home”. When the opportunity presented itself in what I thought was love at first sight I could not have imagined the lengths you and Brandi would go to in order to have Brandi move back with you and Mom.

When I met and moved in with Lewis is when your true hatred for me really started showing its teeth. You wanted me to leave Brandi with you and Mom, demanded it. Our life in the holler wasn’t perfect, but for once I was truly happy and in love. I was blind to how he manipulated me back then, but the physical abuse didn’t start until After May of 93……

I never even knew the whole story until Brandi visited me in California in 2019. She confessed how the two of you cooked up the idea that if she accused Lewis of hitting her then CPS would take her away and put her with Mom. The two of you tried so many ways to get me to let Brandi go back to live with you. By that time though, I had seen how your toxic influence was affecting her and I wanted to distance the two of you.

But May 18, 1993 changed everything…… I actually found a “pink, plastic fly flap” at a yard sale after I moved to Barstow and still have it to this day. I had two miscarriages as a direct result of what you two cooked up. But your hatred turned to rage when your plans were thwarted by CPS. You could not have known they would NOT place Brandi with Mom because of Mom’s health issues.

It was after that when your coldness hit hard. It was so cold you refused to even try to bond with the other kids. You looked disgusted by them and they did nothing wrong. You refused to “love” them because the child you chose was out of reach and you blamed me. CPS refused to even give you phone calls, that only upset you more.

But you never cared for what that little plot did to me or MY family. You didn’t care how it affected anyone except that it blew up in your face when they denied Mom. The first time he ever laid hands on me we were having words over that issue. He tried to tell me that you were somehow behind it, and I stood up for you. Lewis saw it before I ever did.

Much of the abuse after that was directly caused by your little plot. Your rage towards Lewis exploded after that.

When Mom decided to weird out and Carol called me, I took you in so Carol could help Mom get better. I knew you hated it in the holler, but you couldn’t stay with her until she got better. Choices were limited and Carol refused to allow you to stay with her because of issues she was having in her own marriage at the time.

You made sure everyone was as miserable as you were, that’s for sure. You also treated the kids like trash every chance you got. I can say the influence you thought you had on them was little to none, thank God for that!

After you were able to move back to Mom’s you did everything you could to drive a wedge between me and Mom. For a while it succeeded. As she got sicker, she knew her time was coming and she wanted to mend our relationship. The more she talked to me or wanted to visit though, the worse you became.

When she passed and only me and Jimmy were named as the ones to handle her final plans, oh you were livid because they wouldn’t even let you in the room. I think you picked the dress she hated the most out of spite. You fail to recognize that she had set all of that up when I was a toddler and she never changed or amended it.

The snowball of issues that happened after your little plot with Brandi though affected more lives than you even considered. I had two miscarriages because of the stress, and after the second one the doctor said I may never carry another child to term. Do you remember what you said to me? I remember it like it was yesterday because the pain of losing the baby was still so fresh. You said, “Good, you don’t need HIS kids, you only need Brandi back.” You pointed right at Lewis when you said it too.

We had a lawn care business we were doing fairly well with back then. We were growing each week, and it would have been an amazing business to hand down to the kids. All of that fell apart because of all the court dates, trauma and stress over your little plot. Each thing that went sideways as a result of that little plot only caused the physical abuse to get worse.

In 2000, after Lewis didn’t even have a fair trial, he was found guilty of a crime he never committed. This is where you need to pay attention to the price that was almost paid over your little plot. The court gave him a month to “get his affairs in order” and then report to the jail.

During that month he wanted to run to Mexico and never come back. At least that’s what he told me, even though I was against it. It was summer so we camped in many places for a couple of weeks in order to spend some quality time together. It was during these camping nights that I knew I had to get the other 5 kids out. I had zero choice, even though I knew I could not get myself out, yet.

Lewis didn’t want to go to jail, and he didn’t want us to go on without him if he did go to jail. His idea was murder suicide. Noah was 8 months old at the time, still breast feeding and your plot had driven him so far off the deep end he wanted to KILL the children and both of us. I knew I had to get them out before we got back to Kentucky too.

I did get them out and I also worked with CPS to keep the 5 together. I worked with them, behind his back, to allow Carol and Jerry to adopt them. This was the beginning of the end of my marriage. I stayed with him until they turned 18. I figured they were adults and could handle themselves.

You and I had began talking around then and you said “if you ever leave him I will do my best to help, even help you get an apartment until you get on your feet”. When I contacted you informing you that I had left you spent hours yelling at me about SSI you thought I was receiving. Nothing I said could convince you I was NOT receiving it back then. God, I wish I could access those old Yahoo Messenger chats……

You turned your back on me in my one, true time of need. But the thing you always want to bring up is about $75 when I was locked up. You also fail to recognize that I had no record before Lewis and literally only one issue after leaving him and that issue was spawned by Brandi.

Your little plot almost had dire ramifications for 5 innocent children. Just collateral damage to you though huh? The best thing I ever did was begging the judge in Mississippi to make damn sure neither side of the family had any contact with them!!!

I have spent a lot of time wondering why you hate me so much, trying to explore traumatic events in my past in search of why my own sister was born hating me. I have made peace with the fact that I will likely never know why.

I have forgiven you, a long time ago. So, why pen this now if I forgave you? It needs to be said. I need some questions off my plate so I can move forward in therapy and for my 5 children who also deserve to know that their own aunt was the driving force of the wrecking ball in our lives.

I do not want an apology from you. It wouldn’t be sincere. I listened to enough of your fake apologies for a lifetime. The ones who deserve that apology are the kids.

 

****~******~*~*~*~*~*~*~***~*~****~**~****~~****~*

 

In 1994, when Clyde passed away and Mom received his life insurance settlement, I heard you both discussing missing money. I also heard you trying to blame me. But I wasn’t the one on a spending spree buying name brand things (Items Mom could not afford and you had no job). It was just another thing you did and blamed me for. There was a time when I think Mom realized it was you and it broke her heart.

Maybe lying to Mom about your line of work in college…. An accountant’s assistant? Candy Cane? Nothing wrong with exotic dancing, it got you through college for sure. Mom knew all along. She wasn’t as blind as you thought she was. She and I talked about how worried she was about you doing that work.

I will not even go into how you treated Stefanie. She and I have reconnected and do keep in touch now. She treats me more like a sister than you ever did.

 

Actions have consequences, and the actions you took in 1993 had serious consequences. You wanted Brandi to live with you. You hated Lewis for “taking her away from you”. You thought you could kill two birds with one stone. Send Lewis to jail and get Brandi back with one little lie.  

The sad thing is you never cared about the consequences. All you saw was what you wanted, no matter what the cost was to anyone else. That little lie did permanent damage to Brandi too. It messed up her head so badly that she may never recover from it. You screwed things up so badly I could not repair it no matter how hard I tried.

Part of me wants to believe that you wanted to tell the truth, stop that snowball to hell and fix things. Another part of me knows the sadistic side of you likely enjoyed every second of the pain you caused.

 

Maybe you forgot how you tried to make yourself the saint. Remember when you told everyone that you paid for the Corsica? That you made the payments on that because poor Evelyn didn’t have money? Girl, you were in junior high when we bought that. We used some of the old cars sitting on the property as a trade in and the payments were auto deducted from my bank account, money I earned doing work study while attending college. But, you seem to need people to think that I could not survive without you helping me. You helped me ONCE in your entire life, once.

Another thing you hated about me was that I drew welfare. Lewis and I were building the lawn care business. It would have grown to a point that we no longer would have needed welfare, but court dates, trauma etc made it near impossible to continue and then Paul allowed Kim and Tina to steal the equipment we purchased and steal customer payments. For a time I was a stay-at-home mom. When welfare began the welfare to work program, I didn’t throw a fit. I seized the opportunity and got my college degree. Maybe you didn’t know, but after 2000 I never drew welfare again.

Am I on SSI now, yes. Why? Because I did not get enough quarters to qualify for SSDI due to many of the jobs I worked being viewed as independent contract work. I think you should know too, I did not get it on mental like you enjoy telling people. I let that BS go for too long now.

I was approved for disability (for LIFE) due to the damage Lewis did to me. My back is what the SSI was approved on. I am now looking at multiple surgeries the doctor wants to do in order to repair some of that damage. So, your accusation in 2011 of me spending all the SSI and cursing me out when I left Lewis was about 4 years too early. From 2011 through 2015 I supported myself. I worked until the doctor told me to stop that all I was doing was further damaging my spine. I also had to fight for the benefits, they were not easy to get approved.

So, you see, your little plot had consequences, those are consequences you never saw coming nor even had to truly experience. You lit the fire and then walked away. Through it all you judged me, talked shit about me and how I handled things. Not once did you ever attempt to apologize sincerely or try to make amends.

This is why I stopped contact with you. The toxic behavior is not something I want or need in my life, not then and most certainly not now.

 

 

My therapist was right. Speaking my mind on this has made me feel so much better. I may never be able to understand why you did what you did, but at least now it’s not a dirty little secret hiding in a dusty closet hoping to be forgotten.

I also hope that one day the kids can find it in their hearts to reconcile with me. For now, I am respecting their boundaries on the matter, no matter how much my heart aches for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 ~****~*~*~******************~~***~***

 

 

 

 

Phew, I finally said it. I do have more on this, but I am exhausted and need to do morning rounds before trying to nap. I will expand on this later next week. Just forcing myself to remember it all and type it out is exhausting.

A Message for a Specific Victorville Apartment Complex.... You know who you are

 

Please allow me to vent a little….

This post will be a bit long so please read it ALL before commenting.

For 2 years I have been helping out an apartment complex in Victorville with a feral cat colony. I provided traps, a resident would notify me to pick up when one was caught.

I was told people had threatened to poison the colony. I was told support for the cats would also be provided.

I stopped accepting cats from them, picked up my traps and cages almost a year ago after no support came for them. Sure, gas money would be sent for me to travel to pick up a trapped cat. But to date no food, litter or money for spay / neuter has been provided.

Please understand that I live on a fixed income and try to sell some Amazon stuff to cover surgeries etc. Those sales are also super slow right now.

The absolute hardest thing a rescuer can tell someone is I’m sorry I cannot intake because I am full. Yes, some of the cats from that colony will be permanent residents because they are feral. But simply being feral should not equate a death sentence. One feral cannot ever be free roaming again due to the injury she had at intake, which is fully healed now, but would make her easy prey for larger predators. She served the complex well as a rodent controller and now I give her a space to enjoy and live comfortably.

But each cat came with empty promises, and each one is an amazing kitty who deserved better from the complex that rejected them. This is part of why many local rescuers cannot handle intake, all the empty promises from complexes like I dealt with. I even accepted one female who had been spayed because a family was told if they kept her, they would be charged $1,000 pet deposit. That family promised that if I kept her, they would help with her supplies because they asked that if they moved to a place where they could have her back they would like her back. Of course, those promises were empty as well, but she has become one of the best rodent catchers on the property! Not once have they even asked about her since the day I picked her up.

I even lost a pair of my feral cat gloves to a person in the complex who never returned them when I picked up the traps…… Those are NOT cheap by the way……

So now I am here asking for community help with cats that came from that part of the community, knowing some of the ones who made the empty promises to me will likely see this, may even comment on this.

Yes, I have messaged my contact at the complex and repeatedly asked for the promises to be kept. Mainly they ghost me and I gave up trying. For nearly a year and a half I have supported the cats from that colony alone, on my fixed income and turned 2 of the ferals into amazingly adoptable boys who are still waiting to find their perfect home.

I know spay / neuter for CATS in our area totally sucks. Plenty of programs for dogs, but none for cats. So, I do my best to find the lowest option. Animal Action League is a PITA to get appointments with but is the lowest cost. In the last 2 years I have bore this cost alone after the promises fell through.

I work my behind off to provide for them, give them catios stocked with anything they could imagine, provide solar powered fans for their comfort, automatic litter boxes and so much more. Even the UPS delivery guy takes some time to visit with them when he brings a delivery. So, if your box is late sometimes that could be why. He never forgets to stop and give them some attention.

But now I need some help. I need to catch up on a few bills that I have been struggling with since being naïve enough to believe people might keep their word. I need some help getting the last of the colony kitties spayed / neutered.

I am NOT, I repeat and NOT asking for direct cash donations or gifts. Let me repeat that, I am NOT asking for direct cash donations. Unlike some, I prefer for people to know where their gift goes and provide the receipts. So, how do you help?

1.      Food donations can be done via Barstow WalMart or Tractor Supply, just do a pick up order and let me know when to pick it up. Due to a couple of the kitties having a food allergy they cannot have Special Kitty or Paws and Claws. 3 of them have to use Sensitive Stomach / Gentle Care types food. There are 4 super seniors who need wet food, any wet food is fine them seem partial to Sheba and Temptations though.

2.      Litter donations can be done the same way. A simple pick up order. 2 kitties have kitty asthma and require a special litter which I get from Tractor Supply $7.99 for a 40 lb bag it is called pine pellet bedding. The 3 automatic litter boxes must have scoopable litter, preferably unscented. The waste bags for the litter tray on the automatic boxes are rectangle shaped so most will work.

3.      For those who want to ship something directly to the house, message me. My address for shipping is in the description on any of my YouTube videos (a link to that channel will be at the end of this post). I know some people like Chewy and Amazon so that option is available as well.

4.      Spay / Neuter help can be done by donating directly to Animal Action League under MY name. Message me for those details.

 

Once I get these guys homes my goal is to establish a nonprofit HERE in our community that will help with CATS. The fact that we have such little support in our area for any cats is ridiculous. I would love to eventually sponsor spay / neuter events for CATS only, support a proper TNR program and education on how community cats help their communities. I would like to eventually be in a position to help those who care for the community cats. That is my 5 year goal. The only intake that would be done would be for stray/ ferals who could no longer survive alone.

For now, I am here asking for some community support for the kitties taken in from Victorville after waiting for promises that were never honored.

This is not a post of OMG they are gonna starve post. The cats never go without. I make sure of that, even when it means some of my bills / needs get put on hold. This post is me, being humble and asking for some help after struggling for over a year while listening to empty promises from those who asked me to trap these kitties in the first place.

I have upset some people who did inquire about adoption. They pretty much demanded to adopt BEFORE spay / neuter surgery and once the surgery was done, they were no longer interested. Please understand that once a cat comes to me it will NOT go out the door to contribute to unwanted litters or be used for backyard breeding. Every kitty who comes here will be spayed / neutered before going out for adoption. I will not apologize for this position for making sure I am not adding to the severe cat overpopulation problem.

What I do guarantee though is that I match the right cat with the right home. I take time to ask questions of potential adopters. Just because someone wants a “orange cat”, it may not be the “right” cat for their home. I also make sure these cats are excellent hunters and understand the assignment. I work with them to socialize them with other cats as well as dogs. They could be called my full time job (if I actually got paid for it LOL). I do it because I love working with them and they deserve it. Some of the cats even visit the senior care facility (speaking of which it is time to schedule the next visit there too)…..

I do apologize this has been a long winded post. I have advocated for these kitties since they came to me, but the current state of our world has not been supportive of the smaller rescuers who have little time to network.

Thank you in advance to any who help, even if it is just sharing this post or tagging a friend.

 

This is the reality small rescuers deal with and many will never openly speak of it. I do not want to be the one who says nothing. I want to help our community and establish something that will serve the community long after I am gone. I am 56, so I want to leave something for this community that I love so much.

 

Have a blessed day time for me to do rounds on the furbabes. If you have room in your heart and home for a thoroughly spoiled feline you can message me directly. At present I have only males neutered and ready to go. I have a few females waiting for their spay surgery, once that happens they will be available.

 

Here is the YouTube link…… I will try to do a couple more live videos later in the week. I had facet injections in my cspine today and am resting from that.

 

https://www.youtube.com/@mischievousslave

 

 

Understanding Shelter Euthanasia Lists for Cats: Why Saving Every Cat Isn't Always the Best Outcome

When people hear that a cat is on a euthanasia list, the immediate reaction is often heartbreak. Social media posts featuring cats facing euthanasia deadlines frequently generate urgent calls for adopters, fosters, and rescue groups to step in before time runs out.

These efforts save thousands of cats every year. However, the reality behind shelter euthanasia decisions is often far more complicated than a simple story of a healthy cat needing a home.

Understanding how cats are selected for euthanasia lists—and why pulling a cat from that list is not always the best outcome—requires a closer look at the challenges shelters face and the unique needs of cats themselves.

How Cats End Up on a Euthanasia List

Most shelters do not select cats for euthanasia randomly. Decisions are generally based on factors related to health, behavior, quality of life, and available resources.

Medical Conditions

Some cats arrive at shelters with severe injuries, advanced disease, or chronic medical conditions that significantly affect their well-being.

While shelters strive to provide treatment whenever possible, not every condition is treatable within the shelter's available resources. In some cases, euthanasia may be considered the most humane option to prevent ongoing suffering.

Infectious Disease

Cats can be particularly vulnerable to contagious illnesses in shelter environments.

Diseases that spread rapidly through cat populations may require extensive isolation, treatment, and resources. In shelters with limited veterinary capacity, severe or widespread outbreaks can influence euthanasia decisions.

This is not because the cats are unwanted, but because shelters must also protect the health of the larger population.

Feral and Unsocialized Cats

One of the biggest differences between cats and dogs is the existence of truly feral cats.

A feral cat is not simply shy or nervous. These cats have often had little meaningful human contact and may be unable to adapt to life as companion animals.

Historically, many shelters euthanized healthy feral cats because they were considered unadoptable. Today, many communities have embraced Trap-Neuter-Return (TNR) programs, which allow healthy feral cats to live in managed outdoor colonies rather than entering shelters.

However, not every community has robust TNR resources, and not every feral cat has a safe outdoor placement available.

Severe Stress and Behavioral Deterioration

Cats often experience shelter stress differently than dogs.

A stressed cat may:

• Stop eating
• Hide constantly
• Withdraw from all interaction
• Become defensive or fearful
• Develop stress-related illness

In some cases, prolonged confinement causes significant deterioration in a cat's mental and physical well-being.

Overcrowding and Capacity Issues

Many municipal shelters experience seasonal surges in cat intake, particularly during kitten season.

When hundreds of kittens and adult cats enter the shelter within a short period, available space, staffing, and resources can become overwhelmed. These pressures can influence outcome decisions, particularly in facilities with limited funding.

The Problem With "Urgent Cat" Culture

Social media has created a powerful movement around saving cats from euthanasia lists.

Photos of frightened cats are shared with captions emphasizing impending deadlines and urgent need. While these posts often come from a place of compassion, they can oversimplify complex situations.

The public rarely sees:

• Medical records
• Behavioral histories
• Quality-of-life assessments
• Previous adoption attempts
• Veterinary recommendations

As a result, many people assume every euthanasia-listed cat is a healthy, friendly pet that simply needs transportation out of the shelter.

The reality is often more nuanced.

Why Pulling a Cat From the Euthanasia List Is Not Always the Best Choice

This can be an uncomfortable subject because it challenges the idea that every rescue is automatically a success.

But saving a life and improving a life are not always the same thing.

Some Cats Are Experiencing Significant Suffering

A cat with advanced disease, severe chronic pain, or a poor medical prognosis may continue to suffer even after leaving the shelter.

In these situations, transferring the cat elsewhere may delay a difficult decision without actually improving the cat's quality of life.

Not Every Cat Is a Suitable Pet

Many euthanasia-listed cats are highly adoptable and simply need an opportunity.

Others may be profoundly unsocialized or feral.

A feral cat placed in a typical household may experience constant fear and stress. In some cases, the cat's welfare may actually decline after removal from the environment it understands.

The goal should not simply be survival but an environment where the cat can thrive.

Rescue Does Not Eliminate the Underlying Problem

Removing a cat from a shelter does not automatically resolve the medical or behavioral challenges that led to the euthanasia recommendation.

Cats with severe medical conditions may require extensive veterinary care. Cats with significant behavioral issues may need specialized placement or long-term management.

Without adequate resources, the cat's struggles often continue.

Resources Are Limited

Every foster home, rescue space, veterinary appointment, and donation dollar is finite.

When organizations commit substantial resources to one extremely difficult case, those resources may not be available for multiple healthy cats and kittens who could be successfully placed with far less intervention.

This is one of the hardest realities in animal welfare and one that rescue organizations confront every day.

Extending Life Is Not Always Improving Welfare

Perhaps the most difficult concept for animal lovers to accept is that humane euthanasia can sometimes be kinder than prolonged suffering.

Animal welfare is about more than keeping an animal alive at all costs.

It is about ensuring that life contains comfort, security, and an acceptable quality of life.

For some cats, particularly those experiencing severe illness, extreme psychological distress, or conditions that cannot realistically be managed, euthanasia may be the more humane option.

What Truly Helps Cats

The most effective ways to reduce feline euthanasia are not found in last-minute rescue efforts alone.

Long-term solutions include:

• Spaying and neutering
• Trap-Neuter-Return programs
• Accessible veterinary care
• Owner support programs
• Foster networks
• Responsible pet ownership
• Community education

These strategies prevent cats from entering shelters in the first place and reduce the pressures that create euthanasia decisions.

Compassion Requires More Than Saving Lives

The desire to save every cat comes from a place of genuine compassion. But meaningful compassion requires looking beyond the deadline and considering the cat's overall welfare.

Not every cat on a euthanasia list is there because of overcrowding. Not every cat can be successfully rehabilitated or rehomed. And not every rescue results in a better life.

The goal of animal welfare should not be to avoid euthanasia at all costs. The goal should be to maximize quality of life, reduce suffering, and create the best possible outcomes for the greatest number of animals.

Sometimes that means celebrating a successful rescue.

Sometimes it means investing in prevention.

And sometimes it means recognizing that the most humane decisions are also the hardest ones to make.

~**~**~**~*~*~*~*~**~*~*****~*~~***~*

This is precisely why I have gone to extreme lengths to give the true ferals here a space to enjoy inside and outside, safely, enclosed and with tons of things for stimulation without forcing human contact or socialization. 

A true rescuers knows when a cat is a true feral and allows them to be themselves. 

I have several true ferals, Spicy Carolina was the first to come in, Naughty Nels, Callie, Salem, Abby is super shy and mostly feral and the new guy who got dumped here Mikey are all classified as feral.  This means they will be permanent residents since they cannot be safely adopted and should stay in an environment they know and are comfortable in. 

They didn't ask to be removed but their situation was dire. People were trying to poison the colony, some had already died. Spicy Carolina came in with an injury and just needed time to heal. I posted tons of videos of her on YouTube. 

So, I give them a climate controlled old camper and a small 5 x 5 outdoor catio to enjoy. I will enlarge that space when we get a 10x 10 donated. But they have plenty of space, hiding places etc to enjoy being feral. I have cameras to see them on and make sure they remain healthy.

But a feral should not receive a death sentence simply because it cannot be a pet. 

 

Understanding Shelter Euthanasia Lists: What They Really Mean and Why Saving One Dog Isn't Always Simple

Few phrases in animal welfare provoke as much emotion as "the euthanasia list." Social media posts featuring dogs scheduled for euthanasia often spread rapidly, generating urgent pleas to save them before time runs out. While these efforts can and do save lives, the reality behind shelter euthanasia decisions is far more complex than many people realize.

Understanding how dogs are placed on euthanasia lists—and why pulling a dog from that list is not always the best outcome for the dog, adopter, or community—requires a closer look at how shelters operate.

How Dogs End Up on a Euthanasia List

Contrary to popular belief, most shelters do not choose dogs for euthanasia arbitrarily. Decisions are typically based on a combination of factors that may include:

Medical Issues

Some dogs arrive at shelters with severe injuries, terminal illnesses, or chronic conditions that cause significant suffering. While shelters strive to provide care whenever possible, resources are not unlimited. In some cases, euthanasia is considered the most humane option to prevent prolonged pain.

Behavioral Concerns

Behavior is often the most misunderstood factor. A dog may be placed on a euthanasia list because it has demonstrated dangerous aggression toward people or other animals. In other cases, the shelter environment itself can cause extreme stress, anxiety, or deterioration that makes the dog increasingly difficult to manage safely.

Behavioral euthanasia is one of the most controversial aspects of animal welfare, but shelters have a responsibility to consider public safety as well as the dog's quality of life.

Quality of Life

Some dogs experience severe psychological or physical distress in a kennel environment. Dogs that cannot eat, sleep, interact normally, or recover from extreme fear may have a poor quality of life despite being physically healthy.

Capacity Limitations

Many municipal shelters face overcrowding. While staff work tirelessly to avoid euthanasia through adoption, fostering, and rescue partnerships, there are situations where available space, staffing, and resources simply cannot meet demand.

This reality is heartbreaking, but it is often a symptom of larger community issues such as overbreeding, inadequate spay/neuter efforts, and owner surrenders.

The Rise of "Urgent Dog" Culture

The growth of social media has created a new phenomenon: the urgent rescue post.

Photos of dogs on euthanasia lists are shared with captions that emphasize imminent deadlines. These posts often portray the dog as a victim of circumstance and encourage immediate action to save its life.

While many dogs have found wonderful homes through these efforts, the urgency can sometimes overshadow important information.

Potential adopters may be driven by emotion rather than preparation. Rescue organizations may feel pressure to save every dog regardless of available resources. Critical behavioral or medical concerns may receive less attention than the countdown clock.

Why Pulling a Dog From the List Is Not Always the Best Choice

This idea can be uncomfortable, but saving a dog from euthanasia is not automatically the same thing as helping that dog.

Some Dogs Have Serious Behavioral Challenges

A dog may be on a euthanasia list because it has a documented history of severe aggression. While rehabilitation is possible in some cases, not every dog can be safely placed in a typical home.

When adopters are not fully informed about these challenges, the results can be tragic for both people and animals.

Rescue Is Not Rehabilitation

Removing a dog from a shelter does not solve the underlying issue that led to its placement on the euthanasia list.

A dog with severe anxiety, aggression, or medical needs may require months or years of intensive management, training, and veterinary care. Without adequate resources, the dog's suffering may simply continue in a different setting.

Resources Are Finite

Every kennel, foster home, rescue placement, and donation dollar is limited.

When organizations devote substantial resources to one extremely challenging dog, those resources may not be available for multiple other dogs with excellent prospects for successful adoption.

This is one of the most difficult ethical questions in animal welfare: whether saving one high-needs dog sometimes comes at the expense of helping many others.

Prolonging Suffering Is Not the Same as Saving a Life

Perhaps the hardest truth is that life alone is not always the measure of a good outcome.

A dog living in constant fear, chronic pain, or severe psychological distress may not be experiencing an acceptable quality of life. Humane euthanasia, while heartbreaking, can sometimes be the kinder option.

Animal welfare professionals often describe this as choosing between a difficult death and prolonged suffering.

A Better Way to Think About Shelter Dogs

Rather than viewing euthanasia-list dogs as heroes waiting to be saved or victims of an uncaring system, it is more helpful to see them as individuals with unique needs and circumstances.

The best outcomes occur when:

• Shelters provide transparent information.
• Adopters understand the dog's challenges.
• Rescue groups make decisions based on resources and expertise rather than emotion alone.
• Communities invest in prevention through spay/neuter programs, responsible ownership, and behavioral support.

Compassion Requires Honesty

The desire to save every dog comes from a place of compassion. But compassion also requires honesty.

Not every dog on a euthanasia list is there because of bad luck. Not every dog can be safely or humanely rehabilitated. And not every act of rescue leads to a better life.

The goal of animal welfare should not simply be to prevent euthanasia at all costs. The goal should be to create the best possible outcomes for the greatest number of animals while respecting both public safety and quality of life.

Sometimes that means celebrating a successful rescue. Sometimes it means acknowledging difficult realities. And sometimes it means recognizing that humane decisions are not always the easiest ones to accept.

 

Returning to the Cycle: How Off-Grid Living Can Help Restore Our Relationship With the Planet

For years, the environmental conversation has focused on one central question:

How do we reduce our impact on the planet?

We often look toward large-scale solutions:

• new technologies,
• industrial systems,
• carbon capture,
• advanced energy solutions.

These tools may have a role in the future, but there is another question we should ask:

What if part of the solution is returning to the systems that nature already created?

The planet does not operate through waste. Nature works through cycles.

A fallen tree becomes soil.
Plants become food.
Waste becomes nutrients.
Carbon moves through living systems.

The challenge humanity faces is that we have increasingly built systems that interrupt these cycles.

We extract resources, manufacture products, consume them, and discard what remains.

We have created a world of convenience, but convenience often comes with a hidden cost.

The Disposable Culture Problem

For generations, people repaired what they owned.

Clothing was mended.
Tools were fixed.
Furniture was restored.
Food scraps returned to the soil.

Today, many things are designed around replacement rather than repair.

This creates a cycle:

Extract resources → manufacture products → use them briefly → discard them → repeat.

The problem is not only the waste at the end.

It is everything required to create the replacement:

• more mining,
• more transportation,
• more energy use,
• more pollution.

A sustainable future cannot only ask:

"How can we make things cleaner?"

It must also ask:

"How can we need fewer replacements?"

Nature Already Has a Carbon Solution

Carbon is not the enemy.

Carbon is the foundation of life.

Plants need carbon dioxide to grow. Forests, oceans, and soil naturally move carbon through the Earth’s systems.

The problem is not that carbon exists.

The problem is imbalance.

When forests are destroyed, when soil is depleted, and when natural cycles are disrupted, we lose the systems that helped maintain balance.

This is why replanting forests and restoring ecosystems matters.

A tree is not just a carbon storage device.

A tree:

• captures carbon,
• creates oxygen,
• protects soil,
• supports wildlife,
• regulates water,
• and contributes to a living ecosystem.

A forest is not a machine built to perform one function.

It is a network of life.

Technology Should Support Nature, Not Replace It

Technology has given humanity incredible tools.

The internet expanded access to knowledge beyond anything previous generations imagined. Artificial intelligence may help us solve complex problems. Scientific advances have improved countless lives.

The question is not whether technology is good or bad.

The better question is:

What ecosystem is required to sustain that technology?

A technology should not only be judged by what it produces.

It should also be judged by:

• what resources it consumes,
• what waste it creates,
• how long it lasts,
• what happens when it is no longer useful.

A data center, for example, provides incredible digital services, but it also requires:

• land,
• energy,
• water,
• materials,
• constant hardware replacement.

A solution should not be judged only by the problem it solves.

It should be judged by the total system it creates.

Off-Grid Living: A Return to Participation

This is where off-grid living provides an interesting example.

Off-grid living is not about rejecting modern life.

It is about becoming more connected to the systems that support life.

An off-grid lifestyle often encourages:

Growing food

Even a small garden changes the relationship between people and food.

Instead of food being something that simply appears in a store, people reconnect with:

• soil,
• seasons,
• natural cycles.

Restoring soil

Composting transforms waste into a resource.

Instead of:

Food scraps → landfill

the cycle becomes:

Food scraps → compost → soil → food

This mirrors the natural world.

Reducing waste

Repairing, reusing, and maintaining items reduces the constant demand for new resources.

It challenges the idea that everything is temporary.

Using energy intentionally

Renewable systems, efficient homes, and careful consumption encourage people to think about energy as a resource rather than something unlimited.

The Power of Small Systems

One person may not change the global climate alone.

But one person can restore a piece of the system.

Plant a tree.

Improve soil.

Grow food.

Repair something instead of replacing it.

Teach someone else.

Protect local ecosystems.

These actions may seem small compared with global problems, but ecosystems are built from countless small interactions.

A forest is not created by one tree.

It is created by millions of living relationships working together.

The Future May Require Remembering the Past

The future does not have to be a choice between technology and nature.

The best future may combine both.

Technology can help us:

• communicate,
• learn,
• innovate,
• solve problems.

But nature provides the foundation that technology depends on.

The goal should not be to control every natural process.

The goal should be to understand them well enough to work with them.

Perhaps the most advanced civilization is not the one that creates the most disposable things.

Perhaps it is the one that understands how to preserve, restore, and participate in the systems that make life possible.

Sometimes moving forward means remembering what we already knew:

The planet is not a warehouse of resources. It is a living system — and our survival depends on learning how to live within it.

I had a long chat with chatgpt this morning...... I will not be posting the miles long chat thread that lead to the creation of this article. The bot assisted in this creation by taking ALL of the topics and concepts discussed and simplifying them for me. 

It is a discussion I think people need to take to heart. Enjoy!!!! 

Beyond Carbon Capture: Why Restoring Nature May Be Our Most Powerful Technology

For decades, the conversation around climate change has increasingly focused on one measurement: carbon.

How much carbon are we releasing?
How much carbon can we remove?
How quickly can technology capture what we have put into the atmosphere?

Those are important questions. But perhaps we are asking them too narrowly.

The deeper question should be:

Are we solving environmental problems by working with the systems that support life, or are we creating new systems that require even more resources to maintain?

Carbon itself is not the enemy. Carbon is the foundation of life. Every tree, plant, animal, and human being is part of a natural carbon cycle that has existed for millions of years.

The challenge is not eliminating carbon.

The challenge is restoring balance.

A Forest Is More Than a Carbon Storage Device

When a forest burns, we often look at the loss through one measurement: the carbon released.

But a forest is not just a place where carbon is stored.

A healthy forest:

• captures carbon dioxide,
• creates oxygen,
• protects soil,
• regulates water,
• supports wildlife,
• cools surrounding areas,
• and maintains a living ecosystem.

When we lose a forest, we lose all of those functions at once.

This raises an important question:

If restoring forests can repair multiple parts of the environmental system at the same time, why do we so often look first toward machines to solve problems created by disrupting nature?

Planting trees is not a simple replacement for every climate solution. Forests cannot solve every emission source. But restoration is a solution that works with natural processes instead of attempting to recreate them artificially.

Nature has been refining these systems for millions of years.

The Problem With Looking Only at the End Result

Modern society often evaluates solutions by their immediate output.

A technology captures carbon.
A factory produces food faster.
A machine increases efficiency.

But we rarely ask the next question:

What does the solution require in order to exist?

Every technology has a foundation.

Carbon capture systems require:

• mining,
• manufacturing,
• transportation,
• energy,
• maintenance,
• replacement parts,
• eventual disposal.

Data centers powering artificial intelligence and the modern internet require:

• land,
• electricity,
• water for cooling,
• rare minerals,
• constant hardware replacement.

These technologies may provide enormous benefits, but their environmental impact cannot be judged only by what they accomplish.

They must also be judged by the ecosystem required to sustain them.

A tree requires sunlight, water, and soil.

A machine requires an entire industrial supply chain.

The question is not whether technology is good or bad.

The question is whether the technology creates a healthier relationship with the natural world or creates another dependency.

The Disposable Mindset

This same issue appears throughout modern life.

For generations, people repaired what they owned.

Clothing was mended.
Tools were fixed.
Appliances were maintained.

Today, many products are designed around replacement.

Buy. Use. Throw away. Replace.

The problem is not only the waste created at the end.

The entire cycle requires:

• extracting more resources,
• manufacturing more products,
• using more energy,
• creating more pollution.

The same pattern can appear in environmental solutions.

If we respond to every ecological problem by creating another industrial system, we must consider whether we are truly reducing our impact or simply moving the burden somewhere else.

Restoring Cycles Instead of Breaking Them

For thousands of years, agriculture worked through natural cycles.

Nutrients returned to the soil through organic matter, compost, and animal waste.

Modern agriculture increased production dramatically through advanced fertilizers, chemicals, and technology. These tools helped feed billions, but they also revealed a challenge:

A system can be productive while still damaging the foundation it depends on.

Healthy soil is not just a container for plants. It is a living ecosystem.

The same principle applies to forests, oceans, and climate.

The goal should not simply be controlling nature.

The goal should be understanding how to work within natural systems.

Technology Should Be a Partner, Not a Replacement for Nature

Technology has given humanity extraordinary tools.

The internet transformed access to knowledge. Artificial intelligence may accelerate discoveries. Scientific innovation has improved countless lives.

The answer is not rejecting technology.

The answer is asking better questions.

Before adopting any solution, we should ask:

• What resources does it require?
• What waste does it create?
• What happens when it reaches the end of its life?
• Does it restore natural systems or replace them?
• Does it make communities more resilient or more dependent?

A truly sustainable future may not come from choosing between nature and technology.

It may come from recognizing that the best technology often works alongside the natural world rather than attempting to overpower it.

Perhaps the most advanced solution is also one of the oldest:

Restore the forests.
Restore the soil.
Restore the cycles of life that already know how to work.

Sometimes the future does not require inventing a replacement for nature.

Sometimes it requires giving nature the opportunity to recover.

Shannan's Issues with Boundaries

 

 

Oh, this post may get long and I will rant a bit, but it needs said to someone specific (and anyone else who cannot respect boundaries)…..

 

Let me lay some background….

I have a friend, whose mother is the perpetual victim, a narcissist in the worst way. For this article I will call my friend Maggie and her mother Shannan. Maggie had a rough childhood watching her mother allow their father and another man) be abused while hooked on various drugs (both parents hooked). Both abused the kids as well. Shannan made the kids lives hell growing up and now that they are adults, they are trying to heal from all of that trauma.

That being said, Shannan uses her social media for a pity party for herself. She refuses to even acknowledge what her grown children experienced and refuses to respect the boundaries they set. Those boundaries were established so they could seek the help they need and begin the healing process.

All of the adult children have explained to Shannan they were SA’d by Shannan’s husband / boyfriend and they are pretty sure Shannan knew it was happening. In one conversation I saw screenshots of, Shannan came close to admitting that she knew by accusing one of the grown daughters of “seducing” the man….. That was as close as she ever came to acknowledging that such contact occurred, blamed it on her daughter! The daughter was a teen at the time this occurred.

The children endured neglect, watched Shannan choose drugs over her children’s needs, moved them around frequently, switched from school to school all while Shannan chased the thought of a man or the current drug of choice, or both…..All of which Shannan refuses to acknowledge even happened…..

Shannan’s social media posts portray her as an injured mother who did nothing wrong and only tried to do right by her children…… These posts appear when her children find out she has been stalking their pages again and they block one of her spies, or one of her stalker accounts. Then poof, a post appears digging at whichever child caught her and demeaning them, degrading them and discounting their life experiences.

This has gone on for years. They tried to reconcile with her, more than once….. All they have ever wanted is for her to admit what happened, acknowledge it and stop acting like it didn’t happen. They need this to help with their healing. But Shannan refuses to acknowledge any of it, thus making the rift between widen.

A few years ago they chose to go no contact with her over the fact that she flat refuses to dignify their life experiences. Any time they have communicated with her all she does is demean them, degrade them and put herself on a pedestal. The fact that Shannan holds her online image more important than her children’s healing shows just how narcissistic she truly is. Conversations with her adult children never stay focused on their needs. The conversation ends up being about what Shannan did, what Shannan went through, how bad Shannan had it, etc. Shannan never acknowledges the struggle the children went through, not once has she given her adult children the acknowledgement they need.

Shannan has supported a child molester to the point of accusing one child of “seducing” him, that it wasn’t r@pe / molestation, Shannan basically said it was consensual because the daughter seduced him. This is not true of course, but it IS the lie she is perpetuating in conversations with the victim and online.

LEGALLY, a child under the age of 14 CANNOT consent, so this fact is lost on Shannan.

Shannan also refuses to respect the current boundaries her adult children have attempted to establish. Shannan uses friends and family members to stalk her children’s social media, steal pictures and relay information back to her. When the children find out they do remove the person and block them. Then poof, Shannan makes a post proving she was using that person and claims she has others.

The mere fact she is going to those lengths shows just how little respect she has for her own children and grandchildren. But, oh, poor Shannan was just wanting to see how the grandkids are….. MAYBE her children would share that IF she would respect their boundaries and admit what happened and help in their healing process. But Shannan will die on the hill of how she is the victim, the wronged mother who did nothing wrong.

 

 

A real mother respects their children’s boundaries no matter how badly it hurts.

A real mother understands the space the child needs and does her best to accommodate.

A real mother does NOT stalk, or have others stalk her kids social media profiles.

A real mother can admit what happened and help her children heal from it.

A real mother does NOT use social media to demean and degrade her children’s life experiences and choices.

A real mother would seek help for herself to deal with the trauma they all shared.

A real mother does not use social media for pity for herself over the situation.

A real mother would be supportive, comforting and beneficial to the healing process.

 

Of course Shannan is none of these. Shannan is SUSPECTED to still be addicted, was known as of a couple of years ago, after that it is not known if she has gotten clean or is still using. Sadly, Shannan’s poor choices are what drives this and has driven a rift in her own family.

Maybe she will see this…. Maybe she will take it to heart. MAYBE……

Maybe one day she will realize the trauma the entire family endured is not her trauma alone.

Maybe one day she will stop demeaning and degrading her children on social media.

Maybe one day she will admit the mistakes she made in the past so they all can move forward in a healthy manner.

Maybe she could respect their CURRENT boundaries until that day comes, because it CAN.

 

The road between the current boundaries and true healing of the whole family is held in Shannan’s hands. What she chooses to do with that remains to be seen……  

The Backrooms Movie

 

Open Letter to Kane Parsons,

Yesterday, May 31, 2026 I did a thing….. I have been planning it for months, looking forward to it for years…..

I went to the movies and saw The Backrooms movie.

WOW was it worth it!

Before I get into my thoughts on the film, let me begin with how I became addicted to the YouTube series that I began watching in late 2022.

I am old school and back in the 90’s there was a game called DOOM. The original first-person shooter game. DOOM was one of the first games to make “no clipping” a thing. Sure, some other games did it, but nowhere near the level DOOM took it to. DOOM had tons of liminal spaces, void and empty with buzzing and sounds of doors far off. DOOM also had tons of monsters / entities that could appear out of nothing and were hard to defeat.

I loved playing the game, even though I wasn’t great at it. I loved watching others play it too. No matter how often you played it, you always managed to find something new. Even Nintendo Power Magazine had an entire volume on the game, and it still did not cover all the hidden stuff.

DOOM was the first liminal space game that was addictive, fun and challenging. DOOM set the bar for everything that came after it. So, when I happened across Kane Pixels YouTube channel with “found footage” of the Backrooms, I was hooked. The layout was so much like DOOM. The sounds, the lighting and the entities were so similar.

I had seen the original picture that was posted on 4Chan. I had read tons of creepy comments about the picture. But, Kane hooked me with his very first Backrooms video, all 9 minutes of it. I would spend hours watching everything Backrooms while I was resting. I love seeing all the fan-made films and how they expand on the Backrooms lore. Some are so cheesy and corny, others rise to Kane’s level of mental mind fuck.

Kane’s original YouTube series is most definitely a mental mind fuck. I love that it is done in old school VHS style, small trip down memory lane for those of us old enough to remember using those daily! To say that I cannot get enough of the Backrooms would be an understatement and it is all Kane’s fault!

Then, I learned something absolutely mind blowing. Kane was 16 years old when he made the first Backrooms short film. A 16-year-old kid hooked me and has me coming back for more! Now, kids today are amazing with digital productions without a doubt. I also learned he had signed to make it into a movie when he was 17 years old! From the moment I learned it would be a feature film I waited…..

The fact that Kane is literally 20 years old NOW and has a major, blockbuster, motion picture of such a simple concept deserves to be recognized. Kane should be a role model for kids today so they may see that nothing is impossible if you set your mind to it. The kid is not even old enough to buy liquor and has a blockbuster film!!! Let that sink in folks!!!

For those who do not know me, I have Agoraphobia and severe panic disorder. This has been such an issue for me for many years. I stay home, rarely go out. I hate even going out for necessary errands. It had been over 10 years since I had been to the theater to see a movie, probably longer. The fact that I cannot even recall what movie it was should tell you that it takes a lot to impress me. It wasn’t that I couldn’t go or couldn’t afford it. I couldn’t handle the crowds of people.

I will confess that I am one of the millions of people who frequent “pirate” movie sites simply because of the Agoraphobia. Those sites allow me to enjoy the film without stressing my condition. Couple the Agoraphobia with the physical issues and those sites make me seeing new films much easier. Sitting in hard chairs is horrible for my back and hips. Having recently been referred to the spine surgeon, with actual surgery looming in the future, I knew I had to see THIS movie at the theater.

I was always taught to support young talent. Being 56 I have tried to live by this. Now, living on a fixed income, it is hard to afford small subscriptions. But, Kane is talented and young. Every fiber of my being knows he is going to make it big. I knew that when I ran across his first Backrooms short film.

Living on a fixed income makes any outings difficult financially. Yesterday I absolutely spent far more than I should have, but it was 100% worth it. I have not stepped foot in a movie theater since 2012 when I was in Oregon. But I had to see this one in the theater. I juggled things, sold a few things and then treated myself and a friend to supper and the movie.

I can say the Barstow Cinema is very quaint, friendly and not super crowded. The people who work there are also super nice. My anxiety was through the roof, and I had to do my breathing exercises a lot. I saw people of all ages in the theater attending Kane’s film, even though it was competing with Michael. I will also confess that I did use the “pirate” site to view the film a couple of days before going to the theater. But, plans remained the same. I was still going to see it at the theater regardless of the fact that I viewed it on the “pirate” site.

I feel that seeing it at the theater helps support this young, talented genius. It is the least I could do to show support for such a young artist. Coming from me, that says a lot since I do not spend money on such things. The fact that I planned this and then actually did it is a statement in itself.

I admit that I enjoy those sites because with my disabilities it allows me to enjoy new movies with a faux theater experience. The CAM versions have people talking, some moving around but mostly the cries at jump scares. I also understand this takes revenue away from the artist and try to make up for it by ordering some of their merchandise or sharing their channels.

For some of us though, sites like that are sometimes the only way we can enjoy new films.

Kane made me face some of my demons though and come out for the first time in over a decade to attend his film. Even though my anxiety was through the roof, once the lights dimmed it was worth it!

To say that I am impressed with the film would be grossly understated. It far exceeding anything I could have imagined. Yes, I knew what to expect after having seen it on the tablet. But the fact that I went out to support such an incredible young talent speaks volumes. I will see every sequel in the theater as well, even if I do view it first on a “pirate” site.

Just to be clear, none of the pirate sites I use have any fees. I am able to view for free. I would NEVER pay a site like that. I use them because of my disabilities and, as previously stated, the CAM versions give me a faux theater experience when the Agoraphobia prevents me from actually going.

Kane, what you have created is one of the best mental mind fucks I have seen in years. It is unique, new, refreshing and addictive. I am doing my best to write this review without a single spoiler….. The simple fact that you used such a novel idea to create an entire universe at your age should deserve support and if that means I spend a little more than I should, face the anxiety to attend in person, then so be it.

Kane has the potential to be the next big film maker. The talent is unmatched and I look forward to seeing what comes next!!!! I may be washing laundry by hand this month because I spent way too much last night, but it was worth it!

For those reading this who have no clue what the Backrooms are……

 

Here is Kane’s YT channel:

https://www.youtube.com/@kanepixels

 

Watch his series in order, view the fan made ones too.

 

Yes, I have a favorite entity! I love the Bone Thief and look forward to seeing it show up in one of Kane’s future Backrooms sequels!!! That entity is just too cute to be scary! I want a Bone Thief plushy for sure!!!

 

Like many fans I do have questions though….. I hope they get answered in the films to come. One day I will make a list of the questions, today is not that day. Today is for raving about the film and lifting up such a talented young man, one who will soon be bigger than Spielberg.

 

Deep dive into this I promise you it is worth it.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Backrooms