Into the Fire: The Lost Daughter - some thoughts on it

 

I will be adding to this post since it is quite complex.

The main thing I want to address this morning is something they kept repeating throughout the entire show. How could the wife stay with the killer and continue to support him knowing what he did?

Having been in a relationship quite similar I can shed some insight on this. The woman is love bombed to the point she feels so deeply in love that she is blind. When the abuse starts it is slow, always followed with more love bombing and how it is always her fault..... Many times his family is complicit in enabling the abuse and the fact that he cuts her off from anyone who might help her alienates her and makes her feel that she is completely dependent on him. 

The brainwashing is slow and methodical. She cannot survive without him. She is nothing without him. She has nowhere to go if she tries to leave. No man will ever want her the way he does. No one will ever love her the way he does. He didn't mean to hurt her, it was an accident. If she wasn't so stupid he wouldn't get so angry. 

I was lucky to get out after 20 years. For a long time I thought I would be trapped with him forever. 

Even with his lack of education, he only went to the 8th grade, his brainwashing was very effective. I was the wife in that show for a long time. His family also participated in the brainwashing, almost like a group effort. They were very effective at grooming me into thinking my only purpose was to take care of them.

You get to a point that you do anything to keep him from getting upset, keep him from hitting you..... But nothing is ever good enough. He always finds a reason to take out his frustrations on you - even if those frustrations were not caused by you. Bad day at work, bam. Not enough money for bills, bam. He always finds a reason to pick fights that end up physical. Then come the apologies and love bombing. 

It's for your own good. I really didn't mean to get so upset. I'm so sorry let me get some ice for that. You know you can't be seen like this, cover it when you go out. 

He is always jealous. At grocery stores he is always watching other men and accusing them of eyeing you, or accusing you of walking too sexy, looking too sexy. He refuses to allow you to wear make up except for him, in private. He doesn't want other men seeing how beautiful you are, that is only for him. 

The wife in the show had been programmed very effectively and was not strong enough to break that toxic bond. Thankfully I did. 

But to ask why she still supports him, it's because his programming was so complete she literally cannot exist without him. Even though he is in prison, she still has him in a weird way. His calls give her comfort and some hope they might be together again some day. I used to be her, a long time ago.....

I woke up though. I finally saw through the gaslighting, abuse and bullshit. As a mother I also made the hardest decision I could have ever imagined. I chose to get the kids out even though at that time I could not get away from. I knew I never wanted my kids to grow up thinking it was ok to be treated that way. I also did not want his abuse to turn on them. I did not want him setting that example for them. 

The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to realize my children deserved better and I had to say goodbye to them in order to free them from the prison he was putting us in. The abuse got worse after that. He knew I knew where they were and I refused to tell him. 

No mother wants to be separated from their children, but I knew he would kill us all if I hadn't given them up when I did. So, I did what was best for them and then I stayed with him until they started turning 18. I figured since they were adults they could decide for themselves how they felt about everything. 

I live every day with the decisions I made back then. I have regrets but getting the kids out is not one of them. I only regret I was not a part of their lives. Because of him I missed out on a lot of things with them that I can never get back. Of course I love them with all of my heart and I always will. 

So, yes I fully understand the wife in the show and how deeply he was inside her head. As I write this I tremble..... I still fear the things he did to me and put me through. I worry the older kids may still have memories of seeing him abuse me and I pray they have long forgotten those. 

I got away in 2011 and here it is 13 years later and I still struggle with some things. I am working through it though. 

The wife in the show is similar to a cult member. In her case a tiny cult where he was the leader and she followed unconditionally. Women who have Battered Women's Syndrome can relate to just how deep he gets into her head. A great movie about this is called "The Burning Bed". Although that movie ends up with the wife killing her abuser, it still shows a good bit of what she goes through.

She does things and people ask why. There is no good answer because even she cannot answer why. All she knows is he wanted it so she obeyed without question because if she hadn't the beating would have been extreme. He could tell her to do something totally illegal and she would obey no questions asked. 

But to understand how he gets so deep into her head you must first understand it begins with him alienating her from everyone - literally everyone. 

More on that in the next part.........~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*