Guilt or Pleas Due to Lack of Will to Fight?

 

 

There is a topic that I have learned is under spoken about. The general public believes that because a person took a plea deal they are automatically guilty of the crime they were charged with. This is not the case though. I know this because I took a plea deal in 2019.

 

The reasons people do it vary depending on the circumstances. In my own case I am 53 now, disabled and it was for my own medical care that I took the plea. It is damn near impossible to get proper care inside the system. Also, it is not likely I will ever be in a position where someone needs to run a background check on me and what did it hurt me to take a 52 week class? I actually enjoyed the class and learned a good deal. 

 

I cannot count the number of people who look at those charges / conviction and jump to the wrong conclusions, never once bothering to ask me about them. It is a long story, but in a nutshell, it was easier to take a plea deal in order to get proper medical care on the outside than it was to sit on the inside fighting it while suffering with chronic issues the jail refused to treat properly. 

 

One example of improper care, they knew I have a bad hip and leg, I am a fall risk but kept putting me on "top tier", upstairs instead of ground floor like I was medically ordered for. Second, they refuse to give the same medications as your personal doctor prescribed - even the non-narcotics. Their in house doctor chooses what to put you on and most of the time it is the wrong medication for the issue, or something your own doctor has tried in the past that did not work. There are many reasons people will take a plea on a medical basis to be able to get out and back with their own doctor. 

 

At the time I was in jail we did NOT know about the torn muscle on my left butt cheek. But sitting on those metal stools certainly was not helping that situation! We did not find this issue out until late 2020 when a full MRI of both hips was done. It was also learned that this was an old injury, likely happened during my abusive marriage and it had healed improperly, leaving scar tissue over the sciatic nerve to the left leg. So when you hear me say my left leg is acting up, this is why. It isn't really the leg but the sciatic nerve to the leg that makes the leg feel weird things. 

 

Do I have a past that I actually did? yes. When I lived in Mississippi with my abusive ex husband he caused me to do things I am not proud of and have little memory of. No that is not a cop-out.  I do not even remember the mugshots being taken! I do not even recall what most of the charges were. No, I was not on drugs voluntarily but I do believe he was slipping me something. No one listened back then when i even suggested it, nor would they take me seriously about it. I had no record before I met him - not even a parking ticket, and technically have no record since I left him, not any that I am actually guilty of.

In Mississippi the abuse had gotten so bad that no matter how many times I tried to leave it never worked. Not once when law enforcement was called did they offer me help with a restraining order. Not once did they offer to take me to a women's shelter - even though there was clear signs I was being abused! Not once did I get any type of assistance to get out of the situation. I became desperate to find some safety.

When that old Nigerian check scam went around I decided that was my chance. I cashed several of them and never spent one red cent of the money. I stuck it in my purse and then turned myself in. I cannot recall the charges but I took the plea deal ONLY if the judge would lock me up. He looked at me like I was crazy, maybe at the time I was. I spent a year in a maximum security prison and it is sad to say that was one of the best years of my marriage. He could not touch me. He could not get to me. I had the best nights sleep inside, better than I had in years. I also learned a lot while I was in there.

I had it arranged to go to transitional housing when I got out and they were supposed to help with the divorce. But he was friends with some of the probation officers and went behind my back to make sure the only way I got out was to come home to him. I relented because I needed a major surgery. While inside I suffered stage 3 bladder prolapse and it was BAD. I got out, he picked me up. I immediately began planning the surgery with the doctors. Having no insurance at the time there were a thousands hoops I had to jump through to get the surgery. 

While waiting on approval for the surgery he kept me prisoner basically. The only friends were the ones I had online, to which I had to sneak online while he was at work. 

I received the surgery August 2011 and once I felt healed enough I walked away with what I could carry without ever looking back. I left the Wednesday before Halloween of 2011. I cannot recall the exact date but I waited for him to go to work and then I packed and left. Online friends networked, got me a ride and two nights at a hotel until they found a secure place for me to stay. They helped hide me from him to protect me because they knew of the abuse and how the night before I left he had tried to kill me. 

Because I was on a type of probation that only reported by phone quarterly, I made sure I kept those appointments and paid the probation fee. I stopped when the probation department stopped answering their phones and never replied to emails. I am working on getting that cleared from my record. They deemed I could not travel due to medical so we are researching how to handle the situation long distance to get it resolved. Once the probation officer understood why I left and was able to prove said abuse via documentation they did a conditional release until the courts can clear it out. This is where all of that mess currently stands. 

Am I a convicted felon? Yes, non-violent. Did I do a year of hard time? Yes, made a lot of friends and learned a lot. Does it make me a bad person? No. I am actually a better person for having the experience.

I  hope this helps people understand that because a person takes a plea deal it does not always mean they did the crime. In my case the charges stated the crime occurred on or about July 4th. I was charged with spanking my grandson and leaving a mark. My grandson was removed from my daughter's care in May of 2019, returned to his biological father in Michigan around the end of June 2019 and was not even in the state of California in July 2019, plus he was in CPS custody from May 2019 until he was returned to his father and I had ZERO access to even have committed the crime. Yes I have documentation of all of this and will be fighting to get it removed from my record. So, I could not have committed the crime because I had no access to my grandson for 2 months before the crime was supposedly committed and he was not even in the state when it supposedly happened.

But, it was easier for me to plead to a misdemeanor and take a class than it was for me to try and fight it. Sometimes we choose to do what is best for the children rather than continue to put them through trauma. Fighting it meant my grandson, who was already traumatized when he was removed from my daughter's care by CPS, would have to be questioned repeatedly, testify and so much more. I chose the path that gave him the best chance to recovery and healing. I was not afraid of what he might say on the stand. I was afraid of putting him through more trauma than he deserved. So, taking the plea deal didn't hurt me it only helped him. I believe others grandparents would have done the same had they been in my shoes.

Yes, I did it for medical reasons as well since my medical issues were not being properly addressed, but I also did it to help my grandson begin his healing journey. 

Have you ever seen Making a Murderer? Brenden Dassey has a documentary called A True Story of a False Confession.I am not comparing my choice to what he went through, but these type of things happen every day. It is time we look behind the plea deal at the motivations as to why the person did it.

I am not ashamed of taking the deal and would do it again if I had to. I am ashamed of what my ex coerced me into and I am working on that. One day I may be able to explain the hell I lived through while married to him. Today is not that day. 

But each day that goes by I do tell bits and pieces of it. Even though I left him in 2011 the memories are still raw and the terror still very real to me. Those who have suffered long term physical and emotional abuse can understand this. 

But each day i get a little better and each day I get a little stronger. I take things one day at a time because that is how we heal.