Shannan's Issues with Boundaries

 

 

Oh, this post may get long and I will rant a bit, but it needs said to someone specific (and anyone else who cannot respect boundaries)…..

 

Let me lay some background….

I have a friend, whose mother is the perpetual victim, a narcissist in the worst way. For this article I will call my friend Maggie and her mother Shannan. Maggie had a rough childhood watching her mother allow their father and another man) be abused while hooked on various drugs (both parents hooked). Both abused the kids as well. Shannan made the kids lives hell growing up and now that they are adults, they are trying to heal from all of that trauma.

That being said, Shannan uses her social media for a pity party for herself. She refuses to even acknowledge what her grown children experienced and refuses to respect the boundaries they set. Those boundaries were established so they could seek the help they need and begin the healing process.

All of the adult children have explained to Shannan they were SA’d by Shannan’s husband / boyfriend and they are pretty sure Shannan knew it was happening. In one conversation I saw screenshots of, Shannan came close to admitting that she knew by accusing one of the grown daughters of “seducing” the man….. That was as close as she ever came to acknowledging that such contact occurred, blamed it on her daughter! The daughter was a teen at the time this occurred.

The children endured neglect, watched Shannan choose drugs over her children’s needs, moved them around frequently, switched from school to school all while Shannan chased the thought of a man or the current drug of choice, or both…..All of which Shannan refuses to acknowledge even happened…..

Shannan’s social media posts portray her as an injured mother who did nothing wrong and only tried to do right by her children…… These posts appear when her children find out she has been stalking their pages again and they block one of her spies, or one of her stalker accounts. Then poof, a post appears digging at whichever child caught her and demeaning them, degrading them and discounting their life experiences.

This has gone on for years. They tried to reconcile with her, more than once….. All they have ever wanted is for her to admit what happened, acknowledge it and stop acting like it didn’t happen. They need this to help with their healing. But Shannan refuses to acknowledge any of it, thus making the rift between widen.

A few years ago they chose to go no contact with her over the fact that she flat refuses to dignify their life experiences. Any time they have communicated with her all she does is demean them, degrade them and put herself on a pedestal. The fact that Shannan holds her online image more important than her children’s healing shows just how narcissistic she truly is. Conversations with her adult children never stay focused on their needs. The conversation ends up being about what Shannan did, what Shannan went through, how bad Shannan had it, etc. Shannan never acknowledges the struggle the children went through, not once has she given her adult children the acknowledgement they need.

Shannan has supported a child molester to the point of accusing one child of “seducing” him, that it wasn’t r@pe / molestation, Shannan basically said it was consensual because the daughter seduced him. This is not true of course, but it IS the lie she is perpetuating in conversations with the victim and online.

LEGALLY, a child under the age of 14 CANNOT consent, so this fact is lost on Shannan.

Shannan also refuses to respect the current boundaries her adult children have attempted to establish. Shannan uses friends and family members to stalk her children’s social media, steal pictures and relay information back to her. When the children find out they do remove the person and block them. Then poof, Shannan makes a post proving she was using that person and claims she has others.

The mere fact she is going to those lengths shows just how little respect she has for her own children and grandchildren. But, oh, poor Shannan was just wanting to see how the grandkids are….. MAYBE her children would share that IF she would respect their boundaries and admit what happened and help in their healing process. But Shannan will die on the hill of how she is the victim, the wronged mother who did nothing wrong.

 

 

A real mother respects their children’s boundaries no matter how badly it hurts.

A real mother understands the space the child needs and does her best to accommodate.

A real mother does NOT stalk, or have others stalk her kids social media profiles.

A real mother can admit what happened and help her children heal from it.

A real mother does NOT use social media to demean and degrade her children’s life experiences and choices.

A real mother would seek help for herself to deal with the trauma they all shared.

A real mother does not use social media for pity for herself over the situation.

A real mother would be supportive, comforting and beneficial to the healing process.

 

Of course Shannan is none of these. Shannan is SUSPECTED to still be addicted, was known as of a couple of years ago, after that it is not known if she has gotten clean or is still using. Sadly, Shannan’s poor choices are what drives this and has driven a rift in her own family.

Maybe she will see this…. Maybe she will take it to heart. MAYBE……

Maybe one day she will realize the trauma the entire family endured is not her trauma alone.

Maybe one day she will stop demeaning and degrading her children on social media.

Maybe one day she will admit the mistakes she made in the past so they all can move forward in a healthy manner.

Maybe she could respect their CURRENT boundaries until that day comes, because it CAN.

 

The road between the current boundaries and true healing of the whole family is held in Shannan’s hands. What she chooses to do with that remains to be seen……