Family Drama and Lessons Learned

 I wasn’t gonna make this post but this has been weighing heavy on my heart. I am not writing this because I am mad or upset. I am mainly disappointed..... 

This time last year I took in a family member, who shall be known as Tony (not his real name), for the purposes of keeping this fairly generic. Now, Tony told me his eyes were bad but all he needed was new glasses. I took him in because he needed a place and because he promised to help me out.  

Now the deal on him helping was he was to be my IHSS provider. IHSS = In Home Supportive Services. But it soon became apparent that his vision was far worse than he told me it was. I spent far more time cleaning up AFTER he had “cleaned” than I would have spent if I had just done it myself.  

I laid out the daily & weekly things that needed done that I was behind on...... He gave me his word these things would be handled because he didn’t want me doing them. These were things I am NOT supposed to do considering my medical issues.  

I charged him no rent since he had no income of his own. I supported him out of MY SSI check..... We did begin his application to become my IHSS worker but it became apparent that the best route for him was to get SSI so he would have medical insurance. Had he gone the route of becoming my IHSS worker he would have had no medical insurance and likely lost his food stamps.  

Now, anyone on SSI knows the pittance it is. I struggled to support myself BEFORE he came and he knew that it would not last indefinitely since we had discussed this many times. Tony assured me that he applied for SSI online, but no mail ever came from Social Security to my PO Box to confirm they had received his application or request documents. I know this because I get informed delivery which shows me EVERYTHING that comes to my box.  

As new bills piled on me and the financial strain became harder, Tony slowed down in helping me, leaving tasks undone or partly completed. Tony’s favorite lines are, “I’ll get to it later” or “I’ll do it shortly”. I came to realize that these two phrases translated to it will not get done by Tony at all.  

Another major issue I had BEFORE he began receiving food stamps was the sheer amount of food he could go through. I had stockpiled many foods. But the best example was Ramen noodles and mac & cheese. Two boxes of mac & cheese for breakfast, three packs of Ramen for lunch then two more boxes of mac & cheese for supper. Tony would also jack these up with other items. I had tons of dehydrated foods AND vegan meat replacer that cannot be purchased with food stamps. After he had depleted nearly ALL of the items I had from Mother Earth Products he went on to my salad dressing and cooking sauces, spices and more. When he got his food stamps I did suggest he restock MY items that he used as well as when he got his stimulus I asked him to replace the items that could not be purchased with food stamps. Tony did restock SOME of it but not nearly enough. So, I stopped buying things, even some things I love. Then I had to hear how there was barely anything in the house to eat that he liked. 

I have a storage camper that I keep a substantial stockpile in. I had many cans of meat, ravioli, soups etc... Tony was permitted to use from this stockpile but he was told NOT to deplete the stock and to restock what he used food wise. This also never happened. I used to have near 100 cans of various meats like pork, beef, tuna etc.... now all I have is a few cans of nasty salmon. I keep canned meats because of the cats. When I have a rough month I give them the canned meat with their crunchy food. Tony knew this and depleted the ENTIRE stock of canned meat without ever replacing it. The few times he DID purchase canned tuna, Tony ended up using it himself.  

Tony would get upset if I tried to address these issues with him. So, for a while I quit talking about them. I also had an issue when Tony would go into the storage camper he would get things out, leave them on the floor or randomly all messed up and never put them back. This would cause issues because the cats get in there and when things are in disarray then things get broken. When I would go over after Tony there would be pet food and people food spilled all over the place. Tony never made an effort to clean up after himself when he would utilize the storage camper.  

Tony also would not clean up other messes he made. He stays in my RV which is the first thing you see when you pull in my driveway. His front yard was a disaster and I had repeatedly asked him to clean it up since it was his stuff. He never did so one day I did. Tony had piles of dry rotted clothes laying on the ground, ones he had soaked for two months, allowed to stagnate in the water then just dumper them on the ground never moving them. I bagged them up for trash and threw them away – which upset him. Tony also never cleaned up all the puke from the time he nearly killed himself with alcohol poisoning. I did NOT clean that mess up. Pieces of dried puke are still on his steps.  

Now keep in mind over a full year I had begged Tony to get some free gift cards to help ease the financial strain on me. I was buying his tobacco, tunes, lighters (he kept taking all my good Bic lighters), some clothes from the thrift store, etc. Tony pitched in one $10 gift card the entire year. I could not understand why this request was too hard since I can use the same program and get $25 or more per month. Tony always had an excuse. The points were showing as pending. When I would ask him the status of his SSI application he always had excuses for that too. I asked once if he would call them in my presence, he claimed to have done so before I woke up that morning. But I was sitting there waiting on him to come over, had the coffee ready and everything. Tony claimed Social Security said it was “pending”. I began to suspect he never even applied because he was upset that I nixed him becoming my IHSS worker.  

In his mind he never could grasp that he NEEDED the SSI more than he needed to be my worker. Tony seemed very jealous when I got a different worker. He is legally blind and has other health issues, but refuses to go get his blood work and x-rays the doctor ordered months ago. Without these he cannot get on the road to getting better.  

One of the worst issues I had with Tony was his use of my cooking seasonings without telling me that we were out. His pet one is Hoison sauce. I use this in many of the stir fry dishes I make and lots of other things. Tony liked it in his Ramen and he liked using a lot of it. I began buying 2 – 3 bottles per month, explaining to Tony that 1 was for special meals only and he said he understood. However, when I would go to cook the special meal there would be no hoison sauce and many of the other things I normally used would be gone as well. When I would ask him about he would swear he didn’t do it. I confronted him once about the volume of food he was consuming and about his lack of memory of doing it. Nothing helped until I made him prepare his own meals at his RV.  

There was an issue over the hoison sauce about 7 months ago. I had purchased some high end beef steaks and pork chops. I began cooking them and KNEW I had purchased 3 bottles of Hoison sauce when I had gone shopping less than 2 weeks prior. I searched and searched my pantry and I asked Tony who swore to me the sauce was in there. I located 1 bottle that had less than a teaspoon in it. Being upset and WANTING to locate the misplace sauce, I drug every bottle of sauce off the shelf to the floor. In doing so a mason jar of home made honey mustard sauce crashed down onto the top of my left foot then struck a bottle of steak sauce and shattered it. I did not notice the foot injury right away since my foot was covered in steak sauce. I had to rush to the emergency room which was a waste of time. I had to go to urgent care the next day and get 5 stitches right on top of my bunion. They did not do an x-ray until nearly a week later and said I had a deep contusion. It was only 2 days ago I learned it was a crushing injury and I have to have surgery to fix it. Doc said if I had been diabetic I would have lost all of my toes, and I still might. It will all depend on precisely how much damage he finds on April 7th when I go in for surgery. All because Tony could not be honest about his consumption of my cooking supplies. 

Recently I had to finance a set of tires for the truck. I explained to Tony that I would need a better effort from him for the free gift cards to help ease his portion of the financial situation. He promised he would do so but never did. Not even 2 months after getting the tires I had the opportunity to purchase a 1700 gallon water tank – also financed, so I did. Those large tanks are hard to come by at the price I got it for. I explained to Tony that this would financially strain me so much that I would no longer be able to get extra things (meaning fully support him). He again promised to pitch in with gift cards but never came through.  

Up until this point I had been purchasing him 3 bags of tobacco and 5 – 6 boxes of tubes. I bought his small hand roller after he broke all 3 of the crank rollers by over stuffing them. Keep in mind these crank rollers are near $50 EACH, so that was near $150 down the toilet. So, due to making payments on the tires and the water tank I cut him back to 1 bag of tobacco and 3 boxes of tubes. Which, honestly is still more than I can handle financially. He was upset about this but made ZERO effort to pitch in. He also stopped helping out with the yard work. All he had time for was his online gaming. 

About 2 weeks ago I had to go into the storage camper to get some cat litter and opened the door to a disater area. Cat food and split peas were EVERYWHERE. Things he had carried in – 50 pound bags of dog food, were supposed to be in the cubby but instead were just laid in the middle of the floor. I was verbally griping about a grown ass man cannot even put shit away or clean up the mess. Tony began shouting at me, calling me names like bitch and just ranting. He was the aggressor, raising his voice at me and not once did I raise mine back to him. By this point I had had enough. After I cleaned up the mess and got the storage camper back in it’s proper state I went inside my camper. Tony came to the door ranting and name calling to the point I had to call the sheriff to get him to stop. 

 

For a year I had paid ALL his bills, including unlimited phone with a hot spot. So, I called my phone provider and reduced his plan to the smallest they had and informed them that at the end of this cycle I would NOT be renewing that number. I then applied the small credit to other portions of my phone bill. Tony wasn’t happy about that either. He acted so entitled when he confronted me about it all. The sarcasm in his voice when he said “You only bought me 1 bag of tobacco and 3 boxes of tubes” told me everything I needed to know. I told him he needed to find another place to live and he gave me his 30 day notice.  

I think Tony felt he was entitled to be financially supported by me, even though he supposedly came out here to help me and his help only made more messes for me to deal with. Tony was told that the financial support was not going to be forever, that he needed to get his SSI and I was willing to help until it came through. But, as previously stated, I believe he never even applied for it. Why should he? He was being supported by me and he had food stamps and medical insurance.  

He had a rent free roof over his head, water, electricity and unlimited phone. He had tobacco and didn’t have to pay for it himself. Things got broken here because he failed to put them back after using them. Why should he? He never bought them nor would replacing them come out of his pocket. Tony failed to see the true financial cost to ME that he caused me, yet acted so entitled when I began cutting him off. 

Tony also acted like I couldn’t handle things without him. He forgot that I was out here for 2 years before he came along and I will be here long after he leaves. I even told him once I wasn’t his sugar mama, but even then he made no effort to pitch in.  

Tony wants to play the victim in all of this. Did I yell at him? Sure. Did I speak to him the way his mother did? Yep. Maybe if he would act and behave like a grown ass man of 41 years old I would treat him like a man, but as long as he wants to act and behave like an entitled teenager who only wants to online game then that’s how he gets treated. Am I the bitch he makes me out to be? Who knows..... But when someone lies repeatedly to me, breaks my stuff or causes it to get broken, lost etc and refuses to live up to promises they made then who truly is the victim? 

Tony used me for a roof over his head and financial survival when he KNEW my finances didn’t even cover my own needs. He didn’t care. But after cutting him off financially, I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off of me. I feel relieved. I am disappointed it came to this and I am sick of being used this way. I make an effort to help someone out and I get the sort end of the stick. 

I cannot count the tools he lost because he never put them back when he was done. Or the clean up projects that got started but never finished. The weekly tasks that have only gotten done about 5 or 6 times in a year. I have so much clean up to do once he is gone that it will take me until Fall to get it all caught up!!! But in his mind HE is the victim and did nothing wrong.  

I do not mind helping someone in need. I go out of my way to do so sometimes and put myself out to help people. But when that person constantly lies to me then I have to set boundaries that rea healthy for ME and my well being. Even if those boundaries are not desirable to the person I have been helping.  

Funny how I am not running out of the sauces now that I have made him cook and eat at the RV. Strange how 1 bottle of hoison sauce has lasted me near 3 months now. Maybe now I can get more grits, Ramen and mac & cheese. I stopped buying them because I never even got to SMELL them. Once I bought 6 packs of Ramen, 3 for him and 3 for me. I told him if he ran out he was NOT to eat mine, but he asked anyways. I just gave him ALL of the Ramen I had in the house, even my hard to find pork Ramen that I ordered online. But no matter what I did or what I gave or what I bought it is never enough. 

So, yet another family member I have to cut ties with. More and more I understand why my Mom did the same so many years ago. She warned me, boy did she warn me!!! I am listening now though.