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Tuesday, September 14, 2021

For Phoebe... You wanted to catch up....


When I was young all I ever wanted was a sister to play with. Although I had older brothers the age difference was so much that they were grown and out of the house by the time I came along.

I was not the popular kid in grade school, far from it. I was overweight, wore coke bottle thick glasses due to a lazy eye and developed pimples early on. I had breasts in the third grade, got my monthly when I was 9 and a ½. I was bullied, tortured by other kids, beat up on by BOYS not girls, teased, threatened, had pranks done on me, pretty much every nasty thing a kid can do to be mean. I cannot tell you how many times the BOYS literally ripped my shirt off and ran with it when I would go to the playground, and I had to walk home trying to cover myself.

A little sister would be different though. She would be my bestie and always there for me. No matter how I begged Mom would just buy me more Barbie dolls…..

So, I read books to avoid being around the neighborhood kids. I took summer school. I spent my time at the library. When I had finally given up on the idea of having a little sister, Mom announced she was pregnant. I was thrilled! Finally, someone who wouldn’t be like the other kids….. A confidante, a friend, someone I could trust forever……For a few years it was nice…..

Then something changed….. When you would do something wrong you told Mom that I did it…. Giggled and laughed while she took the belt to me while I cried out not knowing why she was spanking me. It became a game you loved to play. You began demeaning me, just like the other kids. You called me names just like they did, mean names….. Thunder thighs, boulder boobs, hippo hips and so many more that to this day echo in my memories.

I tried to be your friend. I tried to be the big sister. You pushed me away. By the time I was in high school any bond we could have had was damaged beyond repair. All I wanted was out of that house. To this day I bear scars both visible and emotional from back then. You were so glad when I went back to Michigan….. But it wasn’t the same for me…. Something inside of me had changed….. Then Ray proposed to me – my ticket OUT for good!!!

Ray and I moved to Virginia because he was stationed there. But Ray was a severe alcoholic, and at the time I did not know he was also severely schizophrenic and off his medications. I got pregnant and you were excited. At least you seemed to be. Then when I left Ray and moved back in with Mom you and Brandi bonded right away, but your treatment of me had not really changed. Nor had Mom’s treatment of me changed.

I can understand better now why though. Clyde is not my biological father. He was never on my birth certificate, nor did he want to put his name on a child that wasn’t his. Their marriage was because she got pregnant with me…… She never loved him…. Even you know that much. But she talked to me more….. I worked my rear off, sometimes 2 – 3 jobs at a time. I drew welfare YES – which in your eyes was so despicable and shameful. I was so proud working for Olan Mills when I was able to purchase the 10 speed. I rode that bike 4 miles one way to work for Huong at the restaurant, and then for Electrolux where I was Assistant Branch Manager. But, Because of the LOW pay I still drew welfare…..

You will never know what it’s like to have to listen to demeaning things all the time from the very people who are supposed to be supportive to you. Once again, all I wanted was out of that house, but no matter how hard I worked I did not make enough for a security deposit and rent. Nor had I established enough credit to apply for a place. I was only 19 after all. I felt trapped to say the least. So, I wrote, and you actually enjoyed reading it, brainstormed some with me at times. To this day I still have that folder with all the handwritten notes, all of it. It is the one thing Lewis never destroyed, not for lack of trying.

But Mom hated the sound of the typewriter….. So, we played Nintendo that I paid to rent until I was able to purchase one. It seemed like you only liked me when I had money to do things you wanted to do. For a long time I wanted to EARN your friendship, felt pressured to. Not that I should have had to earn my own sister’s friendship, but it felt that way. With the hours I worked you and Brandi spent a lot of time together, became best friends I suppose. But even back then Brandi has issues no one could have seen coming.

Then when I was 21, I met Lewis. I thought it was love at first sight and my ticket OUT of that house again. Nothing I ever did pleased you. You found fault with everything, literally everything. But when I took Brandi with me….. I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back with you. After that the hatred you had towards me was no longer hidden.

But you have no real idea of what happened in that holler….. The human vocabulary has no words that could explain it on any level either.

Things were good for a while, very good. We were happy. But Brandi showed signs that I didn’t see right away. No, Lewis never sexually abused her, so stop spreading that lie. Brandi tells that story to anyone who will listen and it simply is not true. I would NOT protect his sorry ass so don’t even go there. How am I so sure? Lewis was extremely well endowed, quite large. He split me open. Had he done anything to her she would have been permanently damaged, and she isn’t now, nor was she back then. She was only 6 years old when CPS got involved, and you KNOW they examined her for that. They found no sexual abuse because it didn’t happen. Brandi had a chemical imbalance that caused behavioral issues. Relocating her only added to the problem.

I know what you told her on the phone. I know that’s how the lie began. “If you tell your teacher that Lewis hit you then they will let you come back and live with us.” Brandi told that lie, but the fact that she claimed he used a “pink plastic flyswatter” made me realize my daughter needed help. At the time we didn’t even own a flyswatter. I stood with the TRUTH – I never chose a man over my child. I stood with the truth. That is something that you never accepted.

The other issue was you demeaned me for drawing welfare back then. Lewis and I had a lawn care business. We had expensive equipment, worked every day. The income wasn’t enough, and we received REDUCED benefits, yes. We were beginning to save some money, but his dad did not like it when I retrieved our equipment from Kim & Tina, and it essentially killed that venture.

Brandi wasn’t happy to have a sister. Brandi did not want siblings. More than once she tried to smother Morgan when we weren’t looking. I fought with the court to get a mental evaluation done on Brandi. You berated me more than once for that. It took a few years to get it done, but when it came back….. At the age of 8 she was put on some heavy duty medications antipsychotic because she had some very serious issues. I fought for her to go to Michigan. Linda, her grandmother had her for about a year. Brandi’s condition was so bad that her own grandmother sent her back. Then I fought for Ray to get her – to get her out of the system. Biggest mistake I ever made considering the crap they filled her head with. That is where the lie about Lewis raping her began – Linda and Ray. Ray even has her convinced that he is Morgan’s biological father. Which he isn’t, Lewis is.

Although Mom loved to tell people I slept around, tales are all they are and all they ever were. I could count on 1 hand how many I had been with sexually when I got with Lewis. But Mom told those tales from the time I was 12 years old, and she never stopped until the day she died.

My marriage to Lewis was good until the lie Brandi told. There was no abuse at all – unless you count Paul & Ruth and their bullshit. We were definitely under their thumb, their own personal slaves until we got our own car, the Corsica. Then things would go mysteriously wrong with it…..

The entire time I lived in that holler I listened to Paul tell the kids how the land would be theirs. He built up their hopes and dreams, made promises of all the things they could do on their land. None of it was true. When I was pregnant with Rachael I had gotten approved for Habitat to build us house on the land behind the trailer. Paul refused to give us the deed to our part. Paul always promised he would make out the deed, but it never happened. He strung us along with lies. When he finally did go make out a deed, he put it all in Dwayne’s name.

The abuse began in 93, not long after CPS took Brandi over the lie. I was pregnant. Nine days after they removed her I lost Nathaniel. He was born at 21 ½ weeks. Then I was diagnosed with A-typical cells on my cervix, precancer. I had several procedures and then had a portion of my cervix removed. I was told that I would likely never be able to have another child. I miscarried a second time at 14 weeks and nearly bled to death.

The abuse was BAD. I cannot yet say out loud half the things he did to me or put me through. Being beaten and raped was only a small part of it. The fact that Ruth and Paul knew it was happening and prevented me from leaving, prevented me from calling the cops, at times held me hostage in that holler only made it worse. When he slammed me into the wall and I got a cauliflower ear Paul refused to let me out of the holler until it healed. Not once was I permitted any medical attention after an injury.

Three of my children were the result of marital rape. I will not say which three because they are amazing children who have done so well. Lewis never abused any of the children. Yes, he spanked them, but never with excessive force. His rage was solely reserved for me, and he spent it well. I am permanently disabled now because of the things he did to me. And contrary to your belief, I did not get my disability on mental. But you love telling people that and I have felt no need to correct you.

For seven years I fought with CPS over Brandi’s best interests and to have her mental needs addressed. Lewis’s trial was a farce. When they gave him 30 days to get things in order and report to the jail, I KNEW I had to get the other 5 kids out. It was his idea to take the road trip, my idea to reach out to old friends. But of course no one – not even Mom, wanted to take the kids for a few months until I could get away from him while he was in jail. That was my plan back then…. Once he was locked up I was outta there…. All I needed was someone to watch the kids while I got things squared away and got a place.

But not one “friend” or family member would help. Most were too busy to even take my call, call me back later or I’ll call you back shortly…. Those call backs never came of course…..

Then the unthinkable happened one night while we were camping in Mississippi, near Forest. I thought all the kids were asleep, but Morgan heard it and when she visited me in Long Beach she told me word for word what Lewis said. Lewis did not want to go to jail. Lewis did not want us moving on without him. He wanted to do murder – suicide. Noah was not even 9 months old and still breastfeeding and this man wanted to end all of our lives. To this day I cannot recall how I talked him out of it, that time….. I was terrified to say the least and KNEW I had to get the kids to safety.

We stopped in Longview Texas, amazing place except for the fire ants….. He brought it up again. I knew the rifle was in the trunk. Once again, Morgan heard every word. But I didn’t know until years later. I have no memory of how I prevented him from doing it. The last thing I remember of that night was him getting the rifle out of the truck and loading it. All I knew is that I could not let him harm the kids. I was the one who turned him in for being out of state when we were on our way back to Kentucky.

I think the judge thought I was batshit nuts when we went to court for the kids. All I could do was shake, I mean he was right next to me. I begged the court for 2 things, keep them together and don’t let them go to family. The judge honored that request. I was functioning on sheer autopilot and coffee by this time. While he was in jail I DID make efforts to leave him, but he kept calling.

In those calls – if they still have the recordings I could prove it – he talked of kidnapping the kids and going to Mexico. All he EVER talked about was getting the kids back. I knew if he was ever alone with them what he was capable of doing. I could not let that happen. The only way I saw to protect them was to keep him away. The only way I saw to do that was to stay with him and keep him distracted from them.

When we went to Mississippi, he thought it was to get established down there and get the kids back. I had already been working with the CASA worker and the social worker to allow Carol & Jerry to adopt them. I had talked to the kids about it and they agreed to it as well. I tricked him into signing the parental termination of rights papers. The abuse got much worse after that.

I cannot tell you how many times he would beat me down then kick my stomach while he screamed “Maybe if I kick hard enough your tubes will come untied and you can get pregnant again.” Through all this abuse he was careful though, making sure the evidence could be covered with clothing.

Where was my family support through all this? Too busy to talk, call ya back later and later never happened so eventually I stopped trying. You did tell me that when I was ready to leave you would help me. That never happened either.

I stayed because he wanted to kidnap the kids all the time. The beatings were BAD. He knew that I knew where they were, and I refused to tell him. I cannot count how many times the cops came… But no one ever helped me. Once they threatened to arrest us both for domestic violence because he had tried to smother me, and I clawed at his neck trying to get him off me. Not once did any of the officers tell me how to get a restraining order. Not once did anyone offer to take me to a shelter, or even tell me how to contact one.

When Katrina hit, he demanded I take him to the kids. Perfect time he said, fake our deaths and disappear into Mexico. The beating that time shattered my sciatic bone into 17 pieces. He refused to take me to the hospital, and he broke the phone so I couldn’t call for help. I was laid up for 2 months and could barely walk. I was barely over that when he reinjured it. That beating tore a muscle on my left butt cheek… Again, medical care was denied. He made sure I had no one to contact, no phone or means to call for help. We lived in Harrisville for years on a generator – that he controlled.

In early 2011 he beat me so badly that my insides literally rearranged, but this did not become a life-threatening issue until my bladder was literally budging from my vagina. I had to have emergency surgery in 2011. I was in the hospital for nearly two weeks. It was then I made the final decision that the kids were turning 18 and it was time for me to leave him.

I had no money because he controlled it all. Although I had tried to get prepaid debit cards and hide them, he always found them. He literally controlled everything. The day I literally packed a bag and left on foot was terrifying. I tried calling you, but you were busy. An online friend got me a hotel so I could get online and try to contact friends who might help.

That night do you remember what happened during our conversation? You kept asking me what happened to the money, you insisted I was on SSI and should have money to do for myself. You refused to believe that I had never even applied for SSI back then. I had zero income because Lewis would not permit me to work and when I did work, he caused me to lose the job. I think he was jealous because when I did work, I always made more than he did and he had less control over finances.

In Yahoo Messenger you typed all caps for what felt like hours. I still have those logs…. How my own sister could tell me that she would help me when I was ready to leave then go ballistic on me when I did actually leave still baffles me.

How do you think I felt having to tell people I had never met in person that my own sister lied to me about helping? Complete strangers came together to help pay for the hotel for a few days, then networked to find someone I could stay with for a few weeks until I could figure things out. They hid me from Lewis.

My entire world had exploded, and I had no family support. No aunts or uncles had time for my problems. You had so many wrong ideas that no matter what I said you called me a liar. My journey to get where I am today was because I have good friends that I made online.

When I lived in Long Beach and Robbie came out, he was an abusive ass. He acted just like Lewis with the exception he never hit me. I didn’t know it then that he had gotten hooked on meth and other drugs. When Morgan came out it was then that she told me she heard what Lewis had said about murder suicide. She even told me how I talked him out of it, but I have no memory of how I talked him out of it. Both of them used me, treated me like shit and told plenty of lies.

So, I moved away. I found out that I could buy some land cheap but first I tried to buy an RV. It caught fire and I stayed with a guy who beat the hell out of me on Christmas Eve 2017. He got arrested for it. He was high on meth at the time. I had no idea he even used. He was over 70, a retired veteran who seemed pretty decent. I ended up dropping the charges on him because he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Kinda pointless to put him in jail when he was dying anyways.

While I was living in Bakersfield things were ok. But after bouts of bad roommates, I had to get away. I made a down payment on the 10 acres and in February of 2019 I loaded up and came to the property in a 2-room cabin tent.

I was blessed to find this 5th wheel camper for free and Jeremy hauled it out here for me. I am still blessed that friends donate scrap lumber to me, Miguel even delivers it to me. I am blessed to finally have good friends here and a safe place. I paid the land off in December 2020 and have the grant deed for it.

Do I get SSI, yes I do but I have only been receiving it for about 7 years. The damage Lewis did to my back will one day put me in a wheelchair. I have to have surgery on my lumber and cervical spine because of it. I refuse the surgery for now, so the doctors do regular MRI’s to keep up with the issue. The damage to my left butt cheek has left scar tissue over the main nerve to my left leg. Sometimes I have zero control over the leg, sometimes it jitters and jerks. I get regular shots in the butt cheek to help keep that endurable.

Not once did I ever do drugs. I know I have been accused by Robbie. But junkies always tell everyone that it’s someone else using and not them. He is the one who recently got out of rehab…. I do not drink alcohol. My former room mate MJ can attest to that. He took me to West Hollywood once, bought me 4 drinks and I puked the entire way home. That little excursion is documented on FB in my albums.

It wasn’t until I moved to Barstow that I got a therapist who is skilled with Battered Women’s Syndrome and CPTSD. I am diagnosed with both. Had you bothered to talk TO me instead of ABOUT me then you would know these things. But you listened to Robbie and Morgan, both of whom had their own agendas. Robbie didn’t tell you the fight we had right before I moved was because I refused to make him my payee did he? I am quite sure Morgan didn’t tell you she married a man I used to have sex with. Yes, my daughter married a man I dated and had sex with.

But you bought their bullshit hook, line and sinker because you have always believed the worst about me. I could have opened a business, made 10 million dollars and it still would not have lived up to your unrealistic expectations. How many times have the aunts and uncles sat around talking about what Evelyn is up to lately? Not one of them has time to call me, check in on social media with me, or bother to ask me how things are.

I do love how things get back to me though. I seriously sit here and wonder what the hell I did after this or that and hope someone will tell me!!! But not one thing they say is true either.

For nearly three years I have barely left this property. I bust my ass to build a home for myself and the furbabes. Am I poor, yes, SSI doesn’t go very far. I did apply for SSDI and fought for it, but due to the abuse and the fact Lewis kept interfering with my employment, I did not have enough quarters in a row. I DID have enough if they had applied them – but not enough in a row… Their rules are stupid to be honest…

I listened to you constantly berate me for freeloading off the government, never working or holding a job. Now, you can listen to me. When I was 19 I held 3 jobs, 2 of which were full time and 1 was a summer job. I worked ungodly hours for Huong at the restaurant both in Morehead and in Lexington. I worked my ass off to rise to Assistant Branch Manager with Electrolux, that is the one job I actually loved. Six weeks every summer I worked my ass off for Olan Mills – that check bought the 10 speed.

When I married Lewis we worked almost daily mowing lawns, doing brush clearing until Paul pretty much imploded that when we wouldn’t allow Kim and Tina to tear up our equipment and collect the customers payments (when they did we never saw a dime of it).

I sold Avon for a while, tried selling Electrolux again for a while but we had to drive to Knoxville and after several months it wasn’t affordable anymore.

Within a few months of that being over I enrolled in college. I made the Dean’s List EVERY semester. I earned multiple scholarships. I held down 18 – 24 credit hours per semester. I did work study as well as raising the kids.

I transferred to University of Kentucky after I graduated Phi Theta Kappa, top 3% of the class. Lewis didn’t like me gone so long, or that I couldn’t return his call right away. He made me use a pager and thought I should immediately return his call, even if I was in class. I lost my scholarships because I had to drop out. I do NOT have any student loans. When I transferred to UK it was scholarships and grants. I also worked in the computer lab for my work study. I was also honored for my participation in the Student Government Association as the secretary / treasurer.

When I lived in Long Beach, I took a course and became certified to teach Breakthrough Parenting. I taught it for years until Doug and I had a falling out and I threw him out. It was after that when I applied for disability. The chronic pain became too much to deal with and without insurance I had no way of getting proper care.

So, this bullshit of you constantly saying to me, and others that I haven’t worked, or I have freeloaded on welfare all my life is a fallacy created in your own mind. I would highly appreciate it if you stop telling that lie. Yes, I got welfare with the kids. My income was below the threshold, and I qualified. Yes, Lewis was a sorry piece of shit who never worked a tax paying job in Kentucky. Lewis resented having to work in Mississippi, but he did. His paycheck was less than $270 a week though. We were lucky if he brought home more than $300 a week. But he did work a full time job in Mississippi.

I worked for several auto dealerships in Mississippi. When I worked at the Ford dealership in Brookhaven the Grey- Daniels Human Resources Manager paid me a visit wanting me back. I became the Internet Sales Manager for Nissan North and helped them streamline their Internet Sales department. Once I trained the assistant manager, they moved me to Nissan South to do the same thing. Before they sold the Mazda Dealership, my name was on 3 different plaques on their wall.

This is the sister you say never held a meaningful job. I not only worked my ass off, I did so while being severely abused on a daily basis. The only positions I have known on the last 25 years have been in upper management.

Even now that I am not able to sit or stand for very long, I still keep myself busy. I own 4 servers. I have multiple websites. I run the radio and a chat server. But my passion still lies in my writing. I have several books published and available on multiple platforms both ebooks and print versions. The earlier stuff is not as refined as what I write now though, but it’s out there. I might earn $50 a month from sales but for me it isn’t about the money. I do it as a form of therapy.

I am also active on social media. I admin multiple FB groups. I am a part of the domestic violence survivor’s community and I assist other women in finding resources in their area when they are ready to leave. I have spent countless nights chatting with women who just need someone to listen.

Add onto that the cat rescuing and my plate is beyond full. You made a snide remark that a person shouldn’t take an animal if they cannot afford it. JellyBean would be dead right now if I had not taken him in. Could I afford it? No, he needed emergency surgery. But the food bank JellyBean hung out at came together, with online donations too and his medical needs were met. He is now king of the house since he can never be a street kitty again. Animal control would have euthanized him because of his age and the amount of care he now requires. But using your logic I should have left him to die that day…….

My furbabes are all spayed and neutered, have their yearly shots and get dewormed when needed. They get medical when they need it. The ONLY time I ever ask for assistance with a vet bill is major medical. Sister needed help back in 2014 – which I received none. $10,000 bill that I had to make payments on, but she is still here with me today.

Over the last 8 years the ONLY one who has been by my side and emotionally supportive to me has been Sister. Considering everything you just read is it any wonder I moved to the middle of nowhere with the cats?

What I would like to know is why all of a sudden you care? Why all of a sudden do you want to catch up, but have no time to chit chat on the phone to do it? When I needed my sister to simply talk to me, be supportive of me she wasn’t there for me…… I begged for the help you promised when I left Lewis. You were more concerned about berating me for spending the SSI you thought I was getting and spending incorrectly. SO why now? Worried that I am gonna kick the bucket like Mom did when she was 59?

You never wanted a real relationship with me before, so why now? Hell, when the pandemic started you didn’t even reach out to me to check on me…. I was the one who called you….. But it is usually me who does the reaching out…..

I forgive you for everything you did to me and the lies you told about me. I did that a long time ago, now you have heard it from me. But I have also learned that when you reach out to me it isn’t really sincere.

So, you wanted to catch up…. Now you have… Not that you will believe much of this because to this day you cannot admit to yourself how shitty you treated me. Sadly, until you can there is no real chance of a sisterly relationship.

I have been pursuing a relationship with my biological father. I have requested a DNA test….. But we both know the truth and it has been confirmed by those who knew Mom.

I do wish you well, but I cannot have the negativity in my life any longer, from anyone. If you want to move forward then understand I live a very different lifestyle than you but I am happy. I own my home outright and am renovating it. I will be adding on as soon as lumber prices return to normal.

The ball is in your court now….. Funny how family seems to come out of the woodwork now that my property is paid off….. It has always seemed that family will not speak to me unless I have something to offer them, or something they want….. Which is why I question your sincerity now.

You have hated the ground I walk on for your entire life. So what has changed?

As I said I am not the same woman I was 10 years ago, or 20 years ago. You didn’t care to know me then and you most certainly have no clue who I am now.

Now that I finally have that off my chest I do have things to do tonight and it’s after 1 a.m. already.

If you are truly sincere, then you have my number. I won’t hold my breath for that call the same way I did when I left Lewis though.

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