When I was
young all I ever wanted was a sister to play with. Although I had older brothers
the age difference was so much that they were grown and out of the house by the
time I came along.
I was not
the popular kid in grade school, far from it. I was overweight, wore coke
bottle thick glasses due to a lazy eye and developed pimples early on. I had
breasts in the third grade, got my monthly when I was 9 and a ½. I was bullied,
tortured by other kids, beat up on by BOYS not girls, teased, threatened, had
pranks done on me, pretty much every nasty thing a kid can do to be mean. I
cannot tell you how many times the BOYS literally ripped my shirt off and ran
with it when I would go to the playground, and I had to walk home trying to
cover myself.
A little
sister would be different though. She would be my bestie and always there for
me. No matter how I begged Mom would just buy me more Barbie dolls…..
So, I read
books to avoid being around the neighborhood kids. I took summer school. I spent
my time at the library. When I had finally given up on the idea of having a
little sister, Mom announced she was pregnant. I was thrilled! Finally, someone
who wouldn’t be like the other kids….. A confidante, a friend, someone I could
trust forever……For a few years it was nice…..
Then
something changed….. When you would do something wrong you told Mom that I did
it…. Giggled and laughed while she took the belt to me while I cried out not
knowing why she was spanking me. It became a game you loved to play. You began
demeaning me, just like the other kids. You called me names just like they did,
mean names….. Thunder thighs, boulder boobs, hippo hips and so many more that
to this day echo in my memories.
I tried to
be your friend. I tried to be the big sister. You pushed me away. By the time I
was in high school any bond we could have had was damaged beyond repair. All I
wanted was out of that house. To this day I bear scars both visible and
emotional from back then. You were so glad when I went back to Michigan….. But
it wasn’t the same for me…. Something inside of me had changed….. Then Ray
proposed to me – my ticket OUT for good!!!
Ray and I
moved to Virginia because he was stationed there. But Ray was a severe
alcoholic, and at the time I did not know he was also severely schizophrenic
and off his medications. I got pregnant and you were excited. At least you
seemed to be. Then when I left Ray and moved back in with Mom you and Brandi
bonded right away, but your treatment of me had not really changed. Nor had Mom’s
treatment of me changed.
I can
understand better now why though. Clyde is not my biological father. He was
never on my birth certificate, nor did he want to put his name on a child that
wasn’t his. Their marriage was because she got pregnant with me…… She never
loved him…. Even you know that much. But she talked to me more….. I worked my
rear off, sometimes 2 – 3 jobs at a time. I drew welfare YES – which in your
eyes was so despicable and shameful. I was so proud working for Olan Mills when
I was able to purchase the 10 speed. I rode that bike 4 miles one way to work for
Huong at the restaurant, and then for Electrolux where I was Assistant Branch
Manager. But, Because of the LOW pay I still drew welfare…..
You will
never know what it’s like to have to listen to demeaning things all the time
from the very people who are supposed to be supportive to you. Once again, all
I wanted was out of that house, but no matter how hard I worked I did not make
enough for a security deposit and rent. Nor had I established enough credit to
apply for a place. I was only 19 after all. I felt trapped to say the least.
So, I wrote, and you actually enjoyed reading it, brainstormed some with me at
times. To this day I still have that folder with all the handwritten notes, all
of it. It is the one thing Lewis never destroyed, not for lack of trying.
But Mom
hated the sound of the typewriter….. So, we played Nintendo that I paid to rent
until I was able to purchase one. It seemed like you only liked me when I had
money to do things you wanted to do. For a long time I wanted to EARN your
friendship, felt pressured to. Not that I should have had to earn my own sister’s
friendship, but it felt that way. With the hours I worked you and Brandi spent
a lot of time together, became best friends I suppose. But even back then Brandi
has issues no one could have seen coming.
Then when
I was 21, I met Lewis. I thought it was love at first sight and my ticket OUT
of that house again. Nothing I ever did pleased you. You found fault with
everything, literally everything. But when I took Brandi with me….. I think
that was the straw that broke the camel’s back with you. After that the hatred
you had towards me was no longer hidden.
But you
have no real idea of what happened in that holler….. The human vocabulary has
no words that could explain it on any level either.
Things
were good for a while, very good. We were happy. But Brandi showed signs that I
didn’t see right away. No, Lewis never sexually abused her, so stop spreading
that lie. Brandi tells that story to anyone who will listen and it simply is
not true. I would NOT protect his sorry ass so don’t even go there. How am I so
sure? Lewis was extremely well endowed, quite large. He split me open. Had he
done anything to her she would have been permanently damaged, and she isn’t now,
nor was she back then. She was only 6 years old when CPS got involved, and you
KNOW they examined her for that. They found no sexual abuse because it didn’t
happen. Brandi had a chemical imbalance that caused behavioral issues.
Relocating her only added to the problem.
I know
what you told her on the phone. I know that’s how the lie began. “If you tell
your teacher that Lewis hit you then they will let you come back and live with
us.” Brandi told that lie, but the fact that she claimed he used a “pink
plastic flyswatter” made me realize my daughter needed help. At the time we
didn’t even own a flyswatter. I stood with the TRUTH – I never chose a man over
my child. I stood with the truth. That is something that you never accepted.
The other
issue was you demeaned me for drawing welfare back then. Lewis and I had a lawn
care business. We had expensive equipment, worked every day. The income wasn’t enough,
and we received REDUCED benefits, yes. We were beginning to save some money,
but his dad did not like it when I retrieved our equipment from Kim & Tina,
and it essentially killed that venture.
Brandi
wasn’t happy to have a sister. Brandi did not want siblings. More than once she
tried to smother Morgan when we weren’t looking. I fought with the court to get
a mental evaluation done on Brandi. You berated me more than once for that. It
took a few years to get it done, but when it came back….. At the age of 8 she
was put on some heavy duty medications antipsychotic because she had some very
serious issues. I fought for her to go to Michigan. Linda, her grandmother had
her for about a year. Brandi’s condition was so bad that her own grandmother
sent her back. Then I fought for Ray to get her – to get her out of the system.
Biggest mistake I ever made considering the crap they filled her head with. That
is where the lie about Lewis raping her began – Linda and Ray. Ray even has her
convinced that he is Morgan’s biological father. Which he isn’t, Lewis is.
Although
Mom loved to tell people I slept around, tales are all they are and all they
ever were. I could count on 1 hand how many I had been with sexually when I got
with Lewis. But Mom told those tales from the time I was 12 years old, and she
never stopped until the day she died.
My
marriage to Lewis was good until the lie Brandi told. There was no abuse at all
– unless you count Paul & Ruth and their bullshit. We were definitely under
their thumb, their own personal slaves until we got our own car, the Corsica.
Then things would go mysteriously wrong with it…..
The entire
time I lived in that holler I listened to Paul tell the kids how the land would
be theirs. He built up their hopes and dreams, made promises of all the things
they could do on their land. None of it was true. When I was pregnant with
Rachael I had gotten approved for Habitat to build us house on the land behind
the trailer. Paul refused to give us the deed to our part. Paul always promised
he would make out the deed, but it never happened. He strung us along with
lies. When he finally did go make out a deed, he put it all in Dwayne’s name.
The abuse
began in 93, not long after CPS took Brandi over the lie. I was pregnant. Nine
days after they removed her I lost Nathaniel. He was born at 21 ½ weeks. Then I
was diagnosed with A-typical cells on my cervix, precancer. I had several
procedures and then had a portion of my cervix removed. I was told that I would
likely never be able to have another child. I miscarried a second time at 14
weeks and nearly bled to death.
The abuse
was BAD. I cannot yet say out loud half the things he did to me or put me
through. Being beaten and raped was only a small part of it. The fact that Ruth
and Paul knew it was happening and prevented me from leaving, prevented me from
calling the cops, at times held me hostage in that holler only made it worse.
When he slammed me into the wall and I got a cauliflower ear Paul refused to
let me out of the holler until it healed. Not once was I permitted any medical
attention after an injury.
Three of
my children were the result of marital rape. I will not say which three because
they are amazing children who have done so well. Lewis never abused any of the
children. Yes, he spanked them, but never with excessive force. His rage was
solely reserved for me, and he spent it well. I am permanently disabled now
because of the things he did to me. And contrary to your belief, I did not get
my disability on mental. But you love telling people that and I have felt no
need to correct you.
For seven years
I fought with CPS over Brandi’s best interests and to have her mental needs
addressed. Lewis’s trial was a farce. When they gave him 30 days to get things
in order and report to the jail, I KNEW I had to get the other 5 kids out. It
was his idea to take the road trip, my idea to reach out to old friends. But of
course no one – not even Mom, wanted to take the kids for a few months until I
could get away from him while he was in jail. That was my plan back then…. Once
he was locked up I was outta there…. All I needed was someone to watch the kids
while I got things squared away and got a place.
But not
one “friend” or family member would help. Most were too busy to even take my
call, call me back later or I’ll call you back shortly…. Those call backs never
came of course…..
Then the
unthinkable happened one night while we were camping in Mississippi, near
Forest. I thought all the kids were asleep, but Morgan heard it and when she
visited me in Long Beach she told me word for word what Lewis said. Lewis did
not want to go to jail. Lewis did not want us moving on without him. He wanted
to do murder – suicide. Noah was not even 9 months old and still breastfeeding
and this man wanted to end all of our lives. To this day I cannot recall how I
talked him out of it, that time….. I was terrified to say the least and KNEW I
had to get the kids to safety.
We stopped
in Longview Texas, amazing place except for the fire ants….. He brought it up
again. I knew the rifle was in the trunk. Once again, Morgan heard every word.
But I didn’t know until years later. I have no memory of how I prevented him
from doing it. The last thing I remember of that night was him getting the
rifle out of the truck and loading it. All I knew is that I could not let him
harm the kids. I was the one who turned him in for being out of state when we
were on our way back to Kentucky.
I think
the judge thought I was batshit nuts when we went to court for the kids. All I
could do was shake, I mean he was right next to me. I begged the court for 2
things, keep them together and don’t let them go to family. The judge honored
that request. I was functioning on sheer autopilot and coffee by this time.
While he was in jail I DID make efforts to leave him, but he kept calling.
In those
calls – if they still have the recordings I could prove it – he talked of
kidnapping the kids and going to Mexico. All he EVER talked about was getting
the kids back. I knew if he was ever alone with them what he was capable of
doing. I could not let that happen. The only way I saw to protect them was to
keep him away. The only way I saw to do that was to stay with him and keep him
distracted from them.
When we went
to Mississippi, he thought it was to get established down there and get the
kids back. I had already been working with the CASA worker and the social
worker to allow Carol & Jerry to adopt them. I had talked to the kids about
it and they agreed to it as well. I tricked him into signing the parental
termination of rights papers. The abuse got much worse after that.
I cannot
tell you how many times he would beat me down then kick my stomach while he
screamed “Maybe if I kick hard enough your tubes will come untied and you can
get pregnant again.” Through all this abuse he was careful though, making sure
the evidence could be covered with clothing.
Where was
my family support through all this? Too busy to talk, call ya back later and
later never happened so eventually I stopped trying. You did tell me that when
I was ready to leave you would help me. That never happened either.
I stayed
because he wanted to kidnap the kids all the time. The beatings were BAD. He
knew that I knew where they were, and I refused to tell him. I cannot count how
many times the cops came… But no one ever helped me. Once they threatened to
arrest us both for domestic violence because he had tried to smother me, and I
clawed at his neck trying to get him off me. Not once did any of the officers
tell me how to get a restraining order. Not once did anyone offer to take me to
a shelter, or even tell me how to contact one.
When
Katrina hit, he demanded I take him to the kids. Perfect time he said, fake our
deaths and disappear into Mexico. The beating that time shattered my sciatic
bone into 17 pieces. He refused to take me to the hospital, and he broke the
phone so I couldn’t call for help. I was laid up for 2 months and could barely
walk. I was barely over that when he reinjured it. That beating tore a muscle
on my left butt cheek… Again, medical care was denied. He made sure I had no
one to contact, no phone or means to call for help. We lived in Harrisville for
years on a generator – that he controlled.
In early 2011
he beat me so badly that my insides literally rearranged, but this did not
become a life-threatening issue until my bladder was literally budging from my
vagina. I had to have emergency surgery in 2011. I was in the hospital for nearly
two weeks. It was then I made the final decision that the kids were turning 18
and it was time for me to leave him.
I had no
money because he controlled it all. Although I had tried to get prepaid debit
cards and hide them, he always found them. He literally controlled everything.
The day I literally packed a bag and left on foot was terrifying. I tried
calling you, but you were busy. An online friend got me a hotel so I could get
online and try to contact friends who might help.
That night
do you remember what happened during our conversation? You kept asking me what
happened to the money, you insisted I was on SSI and should have money to do
for myself. You refused to believe that I had never even applied for SSI back
then. I had zero income because Lewis would not permit me to work and when I
did work, he caused me to lose the job. I think he was jealous because when I
did work, I always made more than he did and he had less control over finances.
In Yahoo
Messenger you typed all caps for what felt like hours. I still have those logs….
How my own sister could tell me that she would help me when I was ready to
leave then go ballistic on me when I did actually leave still baffles me.
How do you
think I felt having to tell people I had never met in person that my own sister
lied to me about helping? Complete strangers came together to help pay for the
hotel for a few days, then networked to find someone I could stay with for a
few weeks until I could figure things out. They hid me from Lewis.
My entire
world had exploded, and I had no family support. No aunts or uncles had time
for my problems. You had so many wrong ideas that no matter what I said you
called me a liar. My journey to get where I am today was because I have good
friends that I made online.
When I
lived in Long Beach and Robbie came out, he was an abusive ass. He acted just
like Lewis with the exception he never hit me. I didn’t know it then that he
had gotten hooked on meth and other drugs. When Morgan came out it was then
that she told me she heard what Lewis had said about murder suicide. She even
told me how I talked him out of it, but I have no memory of how I talked him
out of it. Both of them used me, treated me like shit and told plenty of lies.
So, I
moved away. I found out that I could buy some land cheap but first I tried to
buy an RV. It caught fire and I stayed with a guy who beat the hell out of me
on Christmas Eve 2017. He got arrested for it. He was high on meth at the time.
I had no idea he even used. He was over 70, a retired veteran who seemed pretty
decent. I ended up dropping the charges on him because he was diagnosed with
terminal cancer. Kinda pointless to put him in jail when he was dying anyways.
While I
was living in Bakersfield things were ok. But after bouts of bad roommates, I
had to get away. I made a down payment on the 10 acres and in February of 2019
I loaded up and came to the property in a 2-room cabin tent.
I was
blessed to find this 5th wheel camper for free and Jeremy hauled it
out here for me. I am still blessed that friends donate scrap lumber to me,
Miguel even delivers it to me. I am blessed to finally have good friends here
and a safe place. I paid the land off in December 2020 and have the grant deed
for it.
Do I get SSI,
yes I do but I have only been receiving it for about 7 years. The damage Lewis
did to my back will one day put me in a wheelchair. I have to have surgery on
my lumber and cervical spine because of it. I refuse the surgery for now, so
the doctors do regular MRI’s to keep up with the issue. The damage to my left
butt cheek has left scar tissue over the main nerve to my left leg. Sometimes I
have zero control over the leg, sometimes it jitters and jerks. I get regular
shots in the butt cheek to help keep that endurable.
Not once
did I ever do drugs. I know I have been accused by Robbie. But junkies always
tell everyone that it’s someone else using and not them. He is the one who
recently got out of rehab…. I do not drink alcohol. My former room mate MJ can
attest to that. He took me to West Hollywood once, bought me 4 drinks and I
puked the entire way home. That little excursion is documented on FB in my
albums.
It wasn’t
until I moved to Barstow that I got a therapist who is skilled with Battered
Women’s Syndrome and CPTSD. I am diagnosed with both. Had you bothered to talk
TO me instead of ABOUT me then you would know these things. But you listened to
Robbie and Morgan, both of whom had their own agendas. Robbie didn’t tell you
the fight we had right before I moved was because I refused to make him my
payee did he? I am quite sure Morgan didn’t tell you she married a man I used
to have sex with. Yes, my daughter married a man I dated and had sex with.
But you
bought their bullshit hook, line and sinker because you have always believed
the worst about me. I could have opened a business, made 10 million dollars and
it still would not have lived up to your unrealistic expectations. How many
times have the aunts and uncles sat around talking about what Evelyn is up to
lately? Not one of them has time to call me, check in on social media with me,
or bother to ask me how things are.
I do love
how things get back to me though. I seriously sit here and wonder what the hell
I did after this or that and hope someone will tell me!!! But not one thing
they say is true either.
For nearly
three years I have barely left this property. I bust my ass to build a home for
myself and the furbabes. Am I poor, yes, SSI doesn’t go very far. I did apply
for SSDI and fought for it, but due to the abuse and the fact Lewis kept interfering
with my employment, I did not have enough quarters in a row. I DID have enough
if they had applied them – but not enough in a row… Their rules are stupid to
be honest…
I listened
to you constantly berate me for freeloading off the government, never working
or holding a job. Now, you can listen to me. When I was 19 I held 3 jobs, 2 of
which were full time and 1 was a summer job. I worked ungodly hours for Huong
at the restaurant both in Morehead and in Lexington. I worked my ass off to
rise to Assistant Branch Manager with Electrolux, that is the one job I
actually loved. Six weeks every summer I worked my ass off for Olan Mills –
that check bought the 10 speed.
When I
married Lewis we worked almost daily mowing lawns, doing brush clearing until
Paul pretty much imploded that when we wouldn’t allow Kim and Tina to tear up
our equipment and collect the customers payments (when they did we never saw a
dime of it).
I sold
Avon for a while, tried selling Electrolux again for a while but we had to
drive to Knoxville and after several months it wasn’t affordable anymore.
Within a
few months of that being over I enrolled in college. I made the Dean’s List
EVERY semester. I earned multiple scholarships. I held down 18 – 24 credit
hours per semester. I did work study as well as raising the kids.
I
transferred to University of Kentucky after I graduated Phi Theta Kappa, top 3%
of the class. Lewis didn’t like me gone so long, or that I couldn’t return his
call right away. He made me use a pager and thought I should immediately return
his call, even if I was in class. I lost my scholarships because I had to drop
out. I do NOT have any student loans. When I transferred to UK it was
scholarships and grants. I also worked in the computer lab for my work study. I
was also honored for my participation in the Student Government Association as
the secretary / treasurer.
When I
lived in Long Beach, I took a course and became certified to teach Breakthrough
Parenting. I taught it for years until Doug and I had a falling out and I threw
him out. It was after that when I applied for disability. The chronic pain
became too much to deal with and without insurance I had no way of getting
proper care.
So, this
bullshit of you constantly saying to me, and others that I haven’t worked, or I
have freeloaded on welfare all my life is a fallacy created in your own mind. I
would highly appreciate it if you stop telling that lie. Yes, I got welfare
with the kids. My income was below the threshold, and I qualified. Yes, Lewis
was a sorry piece of shit who never worked a tax paying job in Kentucky. Lewis
resented having to work in Mississippi, but he did. His paycheck was less than
$270 a week though. We were lucky if he brought home more than $300 a week. But
he did work a full time job in Mississippi.
I worked
for several auto dealerships in Mississippi. When I worked at the Ford
dealership in Brookhaven the Grey- Daniels Human Resources Manager paid me a
visit wanting me back. I became the Internet Sales Manager for Nissan North and
helped them streamline their Internet Sales department. Once I trained the
assistant manager, they moved me to Nissan South to do the same thing. Before
they sold the Mazda Dealership, my name was on 3 different plaques on their
wall.
This is
the sister you say never held a meaningful job. I not only worked my ass off, I
did so while being severely abused on a daily basis. The only positions I have
known on the last 25 years have been in upper management.
Even now
that I am not able to sit or stand for very long, I still keep myself busy. I
own 4 servers. I have multiple websites. I run the radio and a chat server. But
my passion still lies in my writing. I have several books published and
available on multiple platforms both ebooks and print versions. The earlier
stuff is not as refined as what I write now though, but it’s out there. I might
earn $50 a month from sales but for me it isn’t about the money. I do it as a
form of therapy.
I am also
active on social media. I admin multiple FB groups. I am a part of the domestic
violence survivor’s community and I assist other women in finding resources in
their area when they are ready to leave. I have spent countless nights chatting
with women who just need someone to listen.
Add onto
that the cat rescuing and my plate is beyond full. You made a snide remark that
a person shouldn’t take an animal if they cannot afford it. JellyBean would be
dead right now if I had not taken him in. Could I afford it? No, he needed
emergency surgery. But the food bank JellyBean hung out at came together, with
online donations too and his medical needs were met. He is now king of the
house since he can never be a street kitty again. Animal control would have
euthanized him because of his age and the amount of care he now requires. But
using your logic I should have left him to die that day…….
My
furbabes are all spayed and neutered, have their yearly shots and get dewormed
when needed. They get medical when they need it. The ONLY time I ever ask for
assistance with a vet bill is major medical. Sister needed help back in 2014 –
which I received none. $10,000 bill that I had to make payments on, but she is
still here with me today.
Over the
last 8 years the ONLY one who has been by my side and emotionally supportive to
me has been Sister. Considering everything you just read is it any wonder I
moved to the middle of nowhere with the cats?
What I
would like to know is why all of a sudden you care? Why all of a sudden do you
want to catch up, but have no time to chit chat on the phone to do it? When I
needed my sister to simply talk to me, be supportive of me she wasn’t there for
me…… I begged for the help you promised when I left Lewis. You were more
concerned about berating me for spending the SSI you thought I was getting and spending
incorrectly. SO why now? Worried that I am gonna kick the bucket like Mom did
when she was 59?
You never
wanted a real relationship with me before, so why now? Hell, when the pandemic
started you didn’t even reach out to me to check on me…. I was the one who
called you….. But it is usually me who does the reaching out…..
I forgive
you for everything you did to me and the lies you told about me. I did that a
long time ago, now you have heard it from me. But I have also learned that when
you reach out to me it isn’t really sincere.
So, you
wanted to catch up…. Now you have… Not that you will believe much of this
because to this day you cannot admit to yourself how shitty you treated me.
Sadly, until you can there is no real chance of a sisterly relationship.
I have
been pursuing a relationship with my biological father. I have requested a DNA
test….. But we both know the truth and it has been confirmed by those who knew
Mom.
I do wish
you well, but I cannot have the negativity in my life any longer, from anyone.
If you want to move forward then understand I live a very different lifestyle
than you but I am happy. I own my home outright and am renovating it. I will be
adding on as soon as lumber prices return to normal.
The ball
is in your court now….. Funny how family seems to come out of the woodwork now
that my property is paid off….. It has always seemed that family will not speak
to me unless I have something to offer them, or something they want….. Which is
why I question your sincerity now.
You have
hated the ground I walk on for your entire life. So what has changed?
As I said
I am not the same woman I was 10 years ago, or 20 years ago. You didn’t care to
know me then and you most certainly have no clue who I am now.
Now that I
finally have that off my chest I do have things to do tonight and it’s after 1
a.m. already.
If you are
truly sincere, then you have my number. I won’t hold my breath for that call
the same way I did when I left Lewis though.
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