Tech Support

Subject: Tech Support

issue Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Furthermore, Conversation 8.0 invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've downloaded Nagging 5.3 in an attempt to fix Husband 1.0 bugs, with limited results.

 HELP! Jane

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Jane:

 Yours problem is very common and stems from a misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 without understanding that Boyfriend 5.0 is fundamentally an ENTERTAINMENT package. Even though Boyfriend 5.0 times out after a period of time, the real product may be less stable. Note that Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM, and designed to run as few applications as possible. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. New program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Furthermore, you cannot return to Boyfriend 5.0. Hidden files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so you would gain nothing. Error messages are a common, normal part of Husband 1.0 operation. In desperation to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, this can create even more problems. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support" and be sure to purge any HeartBreak 1.3 bat files in the directory. Short of changing platforms, my recommendation is to retain Husband 1.0, and learn the quirks of this strange, illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I found the README entitled General Partnership Faults [GPFs] helpful. In summary, Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To find this file, choose START RUN "A:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.EXE". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously. Husband 1.0 should then correctly run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to use the RUN A:/I APOLOGIZE.EXE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to freeze up, in which case GrumpySilence 2.5, or Beer 6.0 may activate. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are impossible to delete. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 101.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities may help keep Husband 1.0 up and running. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become more familiar and you may find valuable add-on features have been downloaded automatically, such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and causes selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is de-installed. Good Luck! Tech Support