E. F. Turner's Blog

This is MY story..... in the rough. I will be working on this and publishing it soon. But it is time for everyone to know what me and my children went through. These are full posts I made on fetlife.com as I went through one of the hardest times in my life. I thank all of those who supported me through this all.

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In 1991 I met my husband, and thought I died and went to heaven. He is the spitting image of Patrick Swayze and Dom tendencies. He was a virgin and I am the only woman he has ever been with. In the early years we learned about each other to the point one would start a sentence and the other finish it. Our channels of communication weren’t perfect, but whose are? We lived as most other people, began a family, lived next to his parents, etc. We also explored BDSM as well. He would make a perfect Dom, except he has never taken the time to actually learn what this truly means. On the other hand, I knew I was submissive and lived the role in almost every aspect of my life, until life required me to step into the Dom role myself.
From the beginning of the relationship he wanted for nothing. I developed my physical appearance to what he said was attractive to him, wore the make up and lipstick colors he favored, styled my hair the way he liked for what? Not once has he ever so much as shown me he appreciates anything I do or have done. No lift of the eyebrow to acknowledge a sexy outfit, no taste good sounds when he eats what I prepare, no gifts of any kind whatsoever on any holiday. This may sound a bit hypocritical at first but please read the entire article to fully understand how this TPE Relationship differs from the true TPE Relationship.
From 1991 until 2006 he did not have to work, it was my income that supported us. I never resented him for this or threw it in his face that he didn’t work, or that when he did he did not make enough money. I simply earned the money, paid the bills and kept the house. When this role reversed, things changed dramatically. I constantly hear how if I want something I should get out and get a job. He does not support my writing and refuses to even read it. This bothers me because I feel he should show at least a portion of the respect I had for him when it was me working. To be blunt he will complain about such necessary purchases as maxi pads. Yet, he will loan his friends cash that we really cannot spare and they never pay him back, thus usually putting us in a hardship. But in his eyes I do not have a right to be upset about this. When I worked all the bills were paid on time, we had plenty of food in the house etc. Now, I never know if I will be able to pay every bill every month, or be able to purchase food. But, according to him if I want to change this then I need to get a job. It is true I have sold my book, but I have not yet been paid for those sales. So, on this field we are at an impasse. We do not agree on how things are currently being handled and much of this is because he “fibs” to me.
On the same note, it does get a little complicated. Due to circumstances beyond our control I was apart from him for a year. During that time he put almost all of our belongings in a storage unit. I have few clothes here, little furniture etc. I am not permitted to go to the storage unit because others work NEAR there and he doesn’t wish them to SEE me. Why not? Well the pictures speak for themselves, he doesn’t wish people to SEE me because then HE would be in trouble for what HE is doing to me.
His little “fibs” may seem harmless to him, but little by little they are destroying the foundation of this marriage. The latest “fib” was over our storage unit just this week. We paid a little late and policy stated they had to send us a certified letter etc. So the manager told us the letter had all ready went out, but we had not yet received so she told us just to disregard it since we were current again. Ok, all is good. Well the letter came Tuesday and he went off in a fit. Yes we paid up and had the monthly statement and receipts to prove it. I suggested we run by the unit to see if we were locked out as they letter had stated even though the manager had told us to disregard the note. So we did the same night. He walked in, looked and came out saying it was locked out. I had doubts about this but let it go. I had told him to actually try unlocking it, but he never listens to the voice of reason. So, this morning I called the manager and told her what my husband said about seeing the unit locked out. She explained that it wasn’t, apologized if she had made a mistake and so on. I call him on his cell and tell him to run by and actually try the key, he does and magically it opens.
At present he has not paid this bill enough so the unit will be available to us. He pays enough to keep them from disposing of it but not enough to allow us access to it. So, I live in a home with few clothes, insufficient supplies and I refuse to purchase NEW when I all ready own the items – he just keeps them locked up and refuses to grant access to them.
The matter was not over though. From the time the letter came he went on about how he would sue and this or that. I learned long ago to tune this chatter out because it is 100% meaningless. He will do absolutely nothing except harass the shit out of me until I take action. I say it this way because it is usually one of his “fibs” that create these situations putting me in a difficult position in dealing with whomever he has the issue with.
Another example that immediately comes to mind is his tax return from last year. He had his taxes done at a place in Magee. They rooked him good too. He ended up paying them over $700 for the service and getting no return at all. So, he keeps telling me about these letters at the tax place that we just have to have before we can file this years returns. He has convinced himself that the STATE is suing him over an old student loan I have to repay. He never cosigned that loan so they cannot touch his income, which I tried to explain but no, he knows all and he is right etc and so on. Well I have called this tax place and no one seems to have a clue as to what I am talking about. Last night he starts in about how they are going to take his refund for that old student loan, the STATE he claims is going to do this. Well, at this point I had heard enough and I went off.
I had been lying on the floor playing with the kittens. I sat up slammed my hand on the coffee table and laid the truth out to him. First I explained that he did not cosign on the loan and they could not legally hold him responsible for it. Next I pointed out the student loan was FEDERAL not STATE therefore the state had no reason to pursue collection of this loan. He still fusses at me oh I don’t know what I’m talking about the tax place has the letter stating the state is suing us for this student loan. Ok fine. Show me the letter I want to see it. Well, uh, Betty is at the Mendenhall office now you have to talk to Amanda. Ok fine I have talked to Amanda and she has no clue what letters he is referring to. Well this went on for over an hour until I finally figured out how to shut him up about it.
I took his W2, went to TaxAct and filed the return. Not only will we get a refund, we will get $800 more than he thought he would, but did he say so much as thanks? No. The IRS accepted the return this morning and we will get our refund check in about 15 days, but still he is going off about letters that do not seem to exist in anyone’s reality except his own. Fine, I let it go and just refused to respond to it. He gets upset thinking I am giving him the silent treatment, pouts off and goes to bed, then gets upset because I am too worked up to sleep. He actually told me he would call AT&T and have my internet disconnected. I handed him the phone, dialed the number all he had to do was press talk. I told him when he got the agent on the phone he better damn well disconnect the tv too because if he wanted to be upset about my working online then I had the right to be upset about his obsession with the remote. He refused to make the call.
These are not isolated incidents, shit like this has been going on since very early in our marriage. Many have asked my why I stayed. The only thing that makes any sense is that I thought somehow I could fix it, make it better. I thought by “serving” him better our lives would get better but it didn’t. Things got progressively worse with each passing year. In the early years his parents were the main issue in our marriage. It was the usual stuff, plus the fact that his mother hated me and his entire family treated me like shit. To this day he has never told them that they were wrong to do me that way. When he moved out of his parent’s house and in with me his mother physically attacked me. I did not fight her back but I did prevent her from hurting me and he actually yelled at me! She comes out of the house, runs up to me in the driveway, grabs a handful of my hair and tried to rip it out and he yells at me.
Well the family mistreatment did not stop there. When I got pregnant, every time I was pregnant, his siblings would cry foul. One had him believing it wasn’t his. Well there is a genetic defect that runs in his family so I had to have an amniocentesis with each and every one. So with the amino I also had a paternity test as well. Each and every time the child was perfect and his. Still the abuse continued.
We purchased a mobile home and put in on his land. Land that he said he bought but was in his dad’s name. Well for 10 years I listened to his dad tell me and my children how the land was theirs etc. I had arranged with Habitat for Humanity to build us a house all we needed was our deed. His dad promised over and over to make out our deed and wouldn’t. When he finally made out the deed he put all of the land in his baby brother’s name. Ok, fine we had all ready made plans to move away. It still cut like a knife though. When we moved the trailer onto the property his parents refused to allow us to tap into the well and refused to allow us to drill one of our own. We lived for a decade hauling water in 5 gallon buckets from the creek to wash clothes in and sometimes bathe in. We bought all the stuff to have the electric hooked, the breakers boxes, pole etc. His parents permitted other family members to strip these items on a regular basis. We would but them, install them and set up the inspector but before he could come the items would be gone. To this DAY our trailer sits having NEVER been hooked up to electric.
A few years into our marriage I began purchasing lawn care equipment and began a lawn care operation. We serviced both sides of the middle fork of the Kentucky River, over 60 customers. His dad pressured us into hiring his sister and her husband. They would take the equipment and not return it. They would collect for the jobs and never turn it in – and they were specifically instructed they were not to handle any collections. One time they took the equipment and were supposed to return it because we needed it for a job the next day, but they did not return it. We had a knock down drag out about this because they were constantly tearing the equipment up and we had to foot the repair bills. This put us in a hardship because his sister was going around collecting payments for the work and we saw none of the money – but he and his parents forbade me from stopping them from doing it.
Well, after the fuss I walked to his sister’s house to retrieve the straight shaft weedeaters for our brush cutting job the next day. At the time we shared a vehicle with his parents and the vehicle was in his dad’s name. By the time I had returned to the house his dad had taken the keys and refused to permit us access to the vehicle. About a week later my uncle sent me to his friend and I bought a little chevette. A few days after I had collected the weedeaters we had a knock down. He slung me into a wall so hard I had a cauliflower ear and he and his parents refused to take me to get medical treatment for it. I wasn’t permitted out of that holler until the ear had gone down enough to hide what he had done to me.
While all of this was going on his other sister had woes of her own. She had a handicapped daughter in a nursing home and another at home. Well when the baby was 4 months old, a few weeks before the weedeater incident, she brought the baby up for his mom to watch, but she wasn’t home so sis left the baby with me. The child was beyond filthy. She had on a very dirty t shirt and her mother left no bottles, diapers or anything for the baby. Now it was early spring and still quit cold out. It was fate I suppose that my baby was not quite a year older and I had plenty of clothes, bottles and formula. I bathed the child, dressed her, fed her and turned her over to her grandma when she got home, telling her what her mom had said. “Here I can’t do anything with this screaming ***” and walked out never saying when or if she was coming back for the baby. Two weeks went by before she even called to check on the child. By then I had gone with his mom to the courthouse and helped her gain temporary custody.
This was another battle all together that was not ours to fight but we had to none the less. His parents gained permanent custody – but not medical custody. This presented serious problems because the child had to have numerous surgeries, the parents had to be notified and consent etc. Now at this same time compound this issue with the fact that I was going through a nasty custody fight over my oldest daughter from my first marriage. Add to that his older brother had a drug addiction and kept using his dad’s id to get pills from the emergency room which we ended up paying the bill for. Now throw into the mix his older sister and their six kids. That sis buried her middle daughter over a car wreck that I have always suspected was set up to cover her murder. I cannot prove it I only know what I heard her parents fighting about the night before it happened. I was pretty much told to keep my opinion to myself or else, considering the hell I all ready had I chose to be quiet about the matter.
Now to complicate matters further, the father of the niece we buried had been charged with molesting his 3 girls – the dead one included. Also a fight that was not ours but we were drawn into much to my dismay. Amazingly enough when his daughter died in the car wreck all his charges were dropped because the only witness against him was dead and could no longer testify. Let’s just throw some more fuel on this inferno. His dad suffered a massive heart attack and was refusing to go to the hospital (much like my husband does). Finally he went and had to have a triple bypass. During this period we were the only ones who held out hope his dad would live. His oldest sister went on and on about her share of the property, but she forgot one simple little fact. She is hubby’s half sister – her dad is different. She is entitled to nothing but would not see that reality and thus more friction and more fighting.
A few months later his grandpa in Indiana came to live with hubby’s mom. He was a hateful man and that is the nicest thing I can say about him. On top of everything else going on grandpa made life 50 times worse on everyone. Not because of his health or needs, simple because he was an asshole. During all of this, in my mind I somehow believed by being the good wife, the good daughter in law etc would somehow make everything right. In times of crisis it was me that was the calm rational one. I made the coffee, I did the cooking etc. Considering the sheer size of this family that alone was a task. At any given time I was cooking for thirty plus people. I never complained or asked for help. I simply did it because in my mind I had reasoned that I could fix things by doing so.
The lawn care business died a quiet and slow death when one of my pregnancies put me on bed rest. Somehow I had thought because I had been there for the family that in my time of need the favor would be returned I was wrong. Not only did I have to still handle all my own household, kids etc but they still pushed me to do for them as well. That child nearly did not make it to term. Due to the fact that we had other children each new child did not really present a financial burden on us because we all ready had everything it needed. So for nearly a decade I was a baby making machine. By the end of the decade I had successfully delivered 5 beautiful children, adding my oldest that gave me 6 total. In that decade however, I had a total of 11 pregnancies documented by my doctor.
Winters were a strain on us. We had the only chainsaws and were the only able and willing bodies to go up the holler to cut the wood. So the burden of furnishing wood for two households (sometimes three) fell onto us every winter. It mattered little how cold it was we still did our duty, even when one winter the temperature got to 30 below. It also fell to us to make sure the well pump did not freeze and this caused such a fight. He pulled the pump after informing his sis to fill her jugs because he was doing so. He brought the pump inside to keep it from freezing and the shit never stopped until days after the pump had been put back into place.
In the early years we had hogs we raised for meat and chickens. His siblings slowly dwindled our supply to nothing and the barns finally fell in. I cannot count the endless dogs and cats his brother in law has tormented to death over the years, sometimes in front of the children. Through all of this I held my tongue. I was not permitted to speak ill to his family regardless of what they did. He thought it would stir up more shit. I look back now and if I had let loose some of the shit would never have happened, but they say hind sight is twenty/ twenty. I remained the good wife, the good daughter in law no matter how badly his family treated me I was always kind to them.
During these years I was forced into alienation from my own family. I was never close to my mom or siblings, but communication fell into nothingness with all except mom. A couple of years before we finally left Kentucky she passed and everyone was afraid to tell me that she had. I handled it fine, until I looked at my daughter during the funeral. I lost it then and there. I felt her pain and took it upon myself. My dad has passed years before with a twelve year silence between us, things left unsaid and many regrets. I put myself through college near the end of that decade much to the dismay of his family. His mom would constantly call my pager during my classes and when I finally got a cell phone she would call until I wanted to chuck the damn thing out the window. I worked as well during this time. All the while still trying to be the glue that held this splintering family together.
During those years we had many vehicles, and each is a story unto itself. When we would not loan it to his sis the brakes would go out. One Dodge van we had ate its cv joints up so fast I knew it couldn’t be a mechanical issue because I had replaced every inch of the front end. I caught his brother in law one night messing with it but once again was told to leave it alone. When we left, we left a Corsica, a caravan and an old Plymouth parked in the driveway. I cannot count the times we had brake failure with our children in the vehicle going over mountains. On tracing the problem we would find the brake line cut, but again I was not permitted to say a word for fear that I would stir up trouble. I have often wondered what would have been said if the brake failure had actually killed us or one of our children?
There came a point at the end of the decade when I could no longer handle the custody fight for my oldest daughter and I signed her over to her father. At that same time a chain reaction began and DHS became a threat to my remaining children. With the family situation as it was the one thing we did agree on was that we did not want family to get the children. So we took them out of state and got a judge’s help to issue an order preventing them from being returned to Kentucky. Went home alone to face a very upset family. Less than a year later we packed our vehicles and drove away without looking back. Leaving however, did not resolve the issues, they managed to follow us almost a thousand miles away from the source.
Things were a bit better here for a while, and when he does not call his parents. I cannot in good conscience tell him not to because of the regrets I have about my own parents. So, his calls get him the family gossip and how this or that one done this or that and needless to say the next few days are shot until he gets it out of his system. He carries this need to go “home”. I fully understand this but should he choose to do so he has been told I will not go with him. I do not think it has sunk in because lately he has talked about this a great deal. My children, although I no longer have custody, are here not 90 miles away. I am not leaving because I want to be here for them when they look, and they will look. His mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer a few months ago and he absolutely refused to call her or go see her. Yes I nagged him until he would finally call her. She passed not 3 weeks ago and NOW he has regrets about not calling them as often as he should have. Yet, his failure to do that is somehow also my fault.
The choice to terminate our rights was not easy nor was it made in haste. In our absence our children had adapted to being in the foster home. The foster parents are great and all 5 are together. It finally hit me that it was not fair to them to disrupt the first true peace they had ever had in their lives. As painful as it was for us, we discussed it with them and made sure they knew my email by heart. This choice has made for much strife in this all ready rocky marriage. When they lived with us the ones old enough attended a private school. We had a lot of fun and love for each other, but sitting here at this moment I know it was right to do what we did for them. Knowing however, does not make it easier to accept. Those who know our children do not live with us try to judge me for a situation they have no understanding of. Would it be fair to my children to bring them into a home where they would see their mother tossed around like a rag doll over dreamed up bullshit their dad imagines? Would it be fair if he ever turned that on them? Although it hurt like hell I could NOT do this to my children. I did what was best for THEM and I shall never apologize for that. I do apologize though that I could NOT provide an atmosphere they could have remained with me in.
Let’s back up a few years again. His baby sister had 4 children. As stated above her oldest daughter is in a nursing home and has been since she was maybe 6 years old, she is 20 now. The one she dropped off with me would have been 18 this year, had she lived. Both suffer from Larsen’s Syndrome. Lewis always drove the younger girl to her appointments, except once. Now his sis and her hubby were divorced and sis was dating a man who had done 10 years for molesting his own daughters. Needless to say this was probably the single most point me & his family agreed on – that this man not be allowed near the kids. There were constant battles about this until the day the younger girl needed another neck surgery. Hubby’s older brother drove this time and the surgery went well. As the child was being moved into recovery hubby’s mom & sis were fighting about letting sis’s boyfriend in the room to visit with the child. As this is occurring the child has a seizure. The nurses did not realize it was not faulty equipment until it was too late. The last thing that child heard was her grandmother and mother fighting at her bedside.
Now his baby sis had 2 boys. The older boy also handicapped but not to the extremes his older sisters were, then the baby boy. By the time the younger was around 3 we had moved down here. We received a call and were told some very disturbing news. Sis and her boyfriend were stoned and the child got out of the house. It had rained a great deal and all of the creeks were flooded. The child was found many hours later about a mile down the creek, drowned. Now I have buried 3 nieces and one nephew since this marriage began.
His older sis also has 6 kids. 4 boys and 2 girls. I can say this that particular branch hasn’t caused much turmoil over all these years. All 6 of those kids have varying degrees of handicaps as well. But then that sister did what we did, got the hell away from the rest of the family.
Now step back a little farther, to before I met hubby. I knew his cousin and we hung out together. We were best friends but nothing more. Neither of us had a clue that his mom had been telling everyone we were gonna get married. A few days before mother’s day of 91 she asked me to take her to see her sis and I agreed to. Her sis being hubby’s mom. It was a long trip and hot. When we finally arrived the rain has stopped and the sun was shining. I spent most of the day outdoors. This is where I met hubby – sitting in his own living room. Well, hubby’s people were all under the impression that I was with hubby’s cousin. When he and I got together cousin’s mom never shut up about how hubby stole her son’s girl. Even to this day.
Now, this same branch also has a girl. She and hubby were set to hook until he met me. She too has 6 children, although I cannot recall the count of which. With this branch there was always a crisis that we got pulled into no matter how we tried to avoid it. The aunt got carbon monoxide poisoning because she was so inept she couldn’t light her own furnace. Then she was booted out of college and lived here and there for years. She would go around to churches and such taking hubby’s baby sis’s pix of her kids to gain assistance. I cannot tell you how many trash bags of clothes I sorted that she had us come get almost every two weeks. We had tried to discourage her from doing this but it never worked. She had her own troubles but always seemed to manage to pull the rest of the family into them.
Hubby is a good father, he loves the kids but honestly I felt they deserved better. Reflecting on this last week I am glad I gave them up and got them out. I just wish I had done the same. Each little incident above could be seen as normal family drama, except it wasn’t. Much of the above was brought on deliberately by the one suffering from it. In this family they must have run out of common senses because there is a definite lack of it.
Now let’s focus on hubby for a bit. As stated earlier he looks like Patrick Swayze and is hung quite well. The first decade of the marriage I passed bearing children. While I was pregnant the sex was beyond awesome. As soon as I had my tubes tied the sex sucked. Soon after my tubes were tied he no longer cared about mutual release, only his own. Over the years it has dwindled to a Wam Bam Thank You Ma’am. His definition of touching me is to hold my hips while he fucks me. No romance, no seduction nothing in the way of foreplay. Although I know he has never cheated there are times I wish he would. He is selfish, demeaning, spoiled, verbally abusive and more. In his temper fits he slings me around like a rag doll, bruising me, creating rug burns so bad they bleed and yet somehow in his eyes this is MY fault, I brought it on and deserved it.
While I do tend to explain away some of this I know full well it is his choice to behave this way. We have had many fusses about this fact too. He wakes up in a pissy mood every day even if I grant him a before breakfast snack. I can work my rear off cleaning house and leave one little thing for another day but that one little thing is all he will see. He goes off about how I need to clean the house over the one little thing I didn’t do instead of seeing the numerous things that had been done. Never have I heard, hey hun the house looks nice, hey hun supper was delicious, etc. Yet he is free with the compliments and praise to anyone except me. He has also never bought me a gift of any sort. No jewelry, no flowers nothing. The rings I do have I bought myself and the wedding set was my mother’s who gave it to me when I got married. His wedding band I purchased on our 12th anniversary I think, to replace the one I had bought when we got married that he lost while we were swimming in the river.
Today I sit here evaluating the entire relationship. This past week we have fussed daily, physically 3 times. It doesn’t matter what I do or do not do nothing changes. After the first fuss this week I moved into the spare room, which created more fussing. A couple days ago he told me “If you want things to change move back into my bed.” Thinking I could buy some peace around here I did (partly because it is also so damned cold at night and we have no heat in the trailer). This morning he woke me and up begun the day fussing. So, I put forth an effort doing EXACTLY what he said would make it better and was lied to, but he doesn’t see it as a lie. He also began this morning with that same sentence – “If you want things to get better…” I nearly went off on him I cannot win here, I cannot make it better no matter what I do and until he sees that it’s HIM not seeing the effort I put in nothing is going to change and I am a fool to think it can.
The year we spent apart I did much soul searching, self evaluation and come to some conclusions. When I came ‘home’ I attempted to do what I needed to in order to please HIM yet keep my own sanity. He blames our problems on bills, not enough money to live on etc – UNTIL January that is. Living for a decade with him seeking only his own pleasure, not caring about my needs or desires he finally pushed me away. Winter of last year I began writing and my first full length novel was published in January. This also caused much fighting. He hadn’t even noticed I was writing until the proof copy arrived. He was very upset, we fought and things got broken. He demanded I remove the book from the internet, delete it and when I refused he tried to. He didn’t care that the work was beyond excellent nor did he care to hear what readers were saying about. He refused to even read it until another fight in which the cops made him leave and told him one more call and his ass was in jail. Then he say down and read it, and once again brought the entire thing right back to him and how the book was about him.
In January, on my birthday, we had sex and again he failed to address my needs. Afterwards I asked him, what went through your mind when you came? He replied with a straight face a John Deere Tractor. At least for once he was honest with me, even though the comment hurt like hell. I now knew where I ranked with him. About a week later we had sex again, again I was left wanting. Lying under the covers he flat out told me if I wanted my desires addressed to find one of my online buddies to do it. However I did not go seeking it. Someone found me though, someone who listened, offered suggestions to try to please my husband. But nothing seemed to work. For Valentine’s Day this friend suggested I dress up all sexy so when my husband returned from work it might turn him on, make him see me as other’s saw me. I did, the picture on fetlife of me in the little red velvet outfit was that attempt. Hubby didn’t bat an eye, came in ate supper and channel surfed until he went to bed. Then he quarreled at me for staying up.
Yes I cried to this friend and he listened, told me not to quit. Many things were tried and there are pictures of some on fetlife. None of which earned me so much as a “Hey hun ya look good.” Near the end of February I began shutting down on my husband. My heart broken and empty and he didn’t care. I began to see that there isn’t much hope for this marriage to survive and began looking for alternatives. I buried myself in my writing to drive away the emptiness I felt. This friend, and a few others I clung to for dear life if for nothing else to hear a few kind words, some flattery and some compassion. The fact that I had friends to chat with upset my husband and we fought over this. He constantly threatens to disconnect the internet and phone so I cannot chat with anyone.
In March it was our anniversary and this friend had another suggestion, which again I followed and all that happened was another fuss, more shit got broken and sleep was lost. It was after that fuss my friend offered his cyber collar to me. I accepted it without hesitation. Someone cared about me, enough to come online to spend time with me, listen to my woes without judgement or criticism, offer ideas to make things better. I wasn’t alone any more and I grasp this with every ounce of my being. At this time my husband found my fetlife page and pictures. More fighting occurred and his definition of the root of our problems changed. Now all of our troubles form the beginning of the marriage until NOW are due to the fetlife page and the fact I wear the collar of another.
In April this friend and I spoke of a real life meeting. Our plans were to meet up in Chicago for a fet event there. MY plan was to make this a one way trip. Well, once again my husband learned of this and more fighting occurred. He made damn sure I understand there is no way he will permit me to leave him, ever. The visit ended up being in our home for 2 weeks in which my husband did his best to make it as tense as he possibly could. One evening the cops were called in because he attacked me in our room and threatened to kill me. A comment which was overheard by said friend. My heart literally ached that my husband would do this, have so little respect or care for me that he would threaten my life in the presence of someone else.
A tentative plan of action was made that day. But has yet to be implemented as my husband is making it impossible for me to do anything. He is sabotaging our vehicle to the point I fear it shall not last much longer. He makes sure there is no money that I have access to, thus in his eyes how can I go anywhere if I have no cash to get there. He threatens daily to disconnect the internet and telephone and blames our fighting on my chatting with friends, talking about our business with strangers.
My husband works hard at creating an image for those outside the walls of our home. An image that is a total lie. Others only see what he wishes them to. If they could see me the day after one of our fusses what would they think? The scabbed up elbows and knees, bruises up and down my arms that are quite obviously hand prints. But he makes damn sure the public cannot lay eyes on these events by making sure I cannot use the vehicle for anything until that evidence is gone. During our fusses if I go for the phone it only makes things worse. He wrestles the phone away then guards the door so I can’t get out. I have broken windows to escape only to be drug back through them and prevented from leaving. The last time the police got involved they actually told me they would take us BOTH to jail. I would be arrested for defending myself. And that was a miracle in itself since he typically makes damn sure I cannot use the phone during a fuss.
In his twisted thoughts I think he thinks I enjoy this. He seems to think this behavior is what a MASTER does and is supposed to do. When he lays his hands on me it’s always my fault. When he wakes up and then wakes me up and he begins a discussion he KNOWS will begin a fuss – it’s still my fault. He seems to see it that I am the instigator, and of late has tried to wrap all of our problems into ME chatting online. He fails to see the problems existed long before that, fails to accept responsibility for conscious decision he makes. It’s his denial and aggression that now makes me fear that soon, very soon the fusses will go too far and I shall not live through it. And when I chat with friends they seem to think I’m exaggerating or something.
Things around here sometimes make no sense to me, although looking at them now I can see why. One example is that I wash my socks and underwear yet when I need to wear them I don’t have any. I suppose in his way of thinking, it’s getting cold and I cannot go outside if I can’t keep my feet warm. Other clothes have disappeared, even my winter coats, my bras and it’s too the point that if his boss’s wife didn’t give me what she cleans out of her closet I would have nothing to wear. I am not permitted to purchase new socks, underwear or such and if I earn my own cash to buy them with we end up fighting and the items end up disappearing. But when I ask him he knows nothing. I have actually caught him squeezing his feet into my socks before, so I began buying socks that would not fit him. He wears them anyway and when he does they are not only stained but stretched so bad they are only fit for the trash. I only have a few pair of summer shorts, he has worn mine until he has ripped the crotch out of them. Yet I am not permitted to replace the items.
The fighting has honestly escalated since my surgery. A surgery that sealed my reproductive abilities forever. Although after my tubal it got rough, we did have some good times. Since the hysterectomy there has not been a true pleasant moment. In looking back I can honestly say that my value to him was simply held in my ability to produce children. When that stopped so did the affection, the respect, the love. Now that the option is totally off the table he tries to tell me that if I wish to make things better “Be with him.” He cannot define this for himself so how does he expect me to grasp what he desires? I have noticed that when things begin smoothing out for us he finds things to create a fuss about.
My day begins by waking up with him every morning for coffee before he goes to work. Which I do without complaint in hopes that we can have a pleasant conversation and start just one day on the right foot. The conversation always ends up in tension and anger and he will make himself late for work just to stay here and argue with me. When he finally does leave it takes me hours to unwind from the tension he created. I do this by writing, chatting or researching online. Around lunch time I begin to see some hope, a little happiness when my friend comes online for a couple of hours. During that time nothing else exists, just a little slice of happiness that my husband is hell bent on taking away from me. My friend, the ONLY person to stand up to my husband and let him know that I am cared about, loved and desired. When he logs off, my day goes to focusing on taking care of my husband. I make sure he has a clean home, a hot homecooked meal when he comes in from work, why? The first thing he does is read the chat logs form my irc room and begin a new fight.
The fact that from the time he gets home until he leaves for work the next morning my focus is on him it isn’t enough. He wants me to stop being online, sit all day thinking of nothing but him. He doesn’t want me writing my novels, it takes my thoughts away from him. Although he says verbally he supports my writing his actions speak volumes differently. He also lives a rerun for lack of a better definition. Our conversation is ALWAYS about the same thing, things he refuses to hear or acknowledge and then yells at me if I remind him we have discussed this before and I really don’t feel like discussing it again since he refused to listen the first thirty times we did.
My husband is a hypocrite plain and simple. But to understand this there are things I must tell, things I am ashamed of. Early in our marriage my husband had a fantasy, typical of most men I suppose, but he insisted on living this one. His 18 year old nephew was thrown out and came to live with us a while. I was pressured into a 3 some with the nephew. Because my desire then was simply to please my husband, be a good wife I agreed to this. It lasted about 6 months, until I finally threw the nephew out and we had a knock down drag out over it. During this time I got pregnant. Thankfully God saw fit to make me miscarry as I could not honestly say which of them would have fathered that child. BDSM was a part of our life then, although on the mild side and most definitely kept in the closet.
Not long after the nephew exited, my husband got on a new kick. One the makes me very ashamed to say that I allowed it to happen. He desired me to have sex with a dog. He kept harassing me daily, we fussed and fought and I even attempted suicide before I finally broke. It happened a few times until I killed the dog with my bare hands. Now that I have a desire he cannot seem to accept it. It’s all fine when it’s his idea, his demands but when it’s something I want it’s hell no.
As the day approached for my friend to arrive our fighting increased. My husband pushed me to the point of no return the day my friend flew in. He had a layover and during that layover he sent me a yahoo im telling me he was there. My husband and I had fought terribly all morning. I had thrown mason jars at him, shattering them all over the house because he kept putting his hands on me and when he had projectiles coming at him at least he kept his hands off me. He then sat down at the computer and tried to IM my friend and tell him not to come. I grabbed a screwdriver and tried to stab him. By this time I all ready had battle wounds, was bleeding and only saw that the visit might be my last chance for any happiness. He saw it coming though and I missed. He went later to our storage unit and brought over our big couch, it began raining and as we took the couch off the top of our vehicle it slipped and landed on the windshield. He accused me of deliberately breaking it from the inside. He even claimed the glass repair place told him it had been done from the inside. Again we fought and fussed and this is what begun the fuss that occurred during my friend’s visit.
A few days later we took the vehicle to replace the windshield, where my husband was informed that the damage occurred form the outside. He did apologize to me, yes and in front of my friend. But the fact that he fought with me so badly the cops were called that night, who threatened to take us both to jail, made him leave made that apology pretty worthless. He refused to believe me when I told him I did not break it, what value did the apology actually have.
Another way he has attempted to control my being outside of the home was to keep me from being able to pay an old speeding ticket from 2004. My license got suspended and I drove for nearly 7 years this way, thus I did not drive often for fear I would get pulled over and get in trouble. I depended on my husband to get me out and about and that happened about as often as a hurricane in January. My friend went against my husband’s orders of not taking the vehicle far to help me take care of this problem, much to my disagreement. I have my license back now and this also upset my husband. We actually fussed about this the weekend my friend flew home.
Daily I am threatened that the little connection I have to the outside world will be terminated. Daily he threatens to email said friend and tell him to back off. He demands unreasonable things like telling me to never speak to said friend – or any other friend for that matter. I live daily not knowing if today is the day the fighting will go too far, will he actually carry through on his threats, will he finally kill me or will I succumb to the sadness within myself? I am fighting for my own sanity, my right to be happy and fear from fear. And at this point I really do not know where to turn or what to do. He has made it quite clear what the consequences will be if I call the cops again. Not that I can get near a phone when he is attacking me anyway. I can’t seem to find anyone that might text me and if they get no reply – send the cops. Thus I live out in an isolated area with no neighbors close enough to HEAR, and have no hope of anyone intervening to help me.
My husband is demanding play sessions. For some insane reason he seems to think I should just bow and permit him to bind me when he is in this state of mind. Sometimes I consider it, maybe then he would just finally finish the job. I have trouble sleeping because he has a bad habit of waking me up to fuss and at times it’s so bad I actually fear that if I fall asleep I may not wake up. Sometimes I force myself to stay awake in hopes of calling the cops after a fuss only to find any tiny little noise brings him rushing into the room even angrier. And somehow he seems to think all of this makes me feel safe and secure enough to “play”.
If any of this makes sense good. If not I apologize. I had to speak my mind before it’s too late to do so. I have to finish my books before it’s too late for that as well.
I must thank my friend, whom I love with all my heart. My day is made brighter when we talk. For a few short hours I am truly happy for once in my life. When I lie down to sleep my thoughts are of a happier place, a better future and for this I thank you. You give me hope that I had long lost years ago. You have opened my eyes that I am worth being loved, deserve it and have shown me there is someone who shall do this without putting a price tag on it or unreasonable conditions that even if I met I never reach the prize. It’s for you that I fight now, for the hope you filled me with and the happiness I have tasted. And if I die fighting for this then I have died an honorable death. I have tasted love and that alone is worth fighting for. My heart aches every time I hear him threaten to chase you away and all I want to do in that moment is cry. But I refuse to show him those tears, refuse to allow him to see that he hurts me that way.
If one day I do not come online, don’t respond to texts or emails then you shall know what happened. My only desire is that if that day ever comes, do not let him go unpunished for it. Be my voice once he has silenced my own. It’s strange really I no longer fear dying at his hand, I only fear hurting the one who gave me hope. Every day I look forward to the little slice of happiness he gives me, not really knowing if I shall have it again, not knowing if I will wake up tomorrow or not. I pour these emotions into the novels I write in hopes readers enjoy them, and that a little piece of me will live on once I’m dead and gone.
They say that once something is online it’s there forever. This is my voice let it speak for all of those who read this and are in a similar situation. I will be silent no longer. I shall not protect him any more, shall not lie to explain away injuries suffered at his hands. I shall not hide until they heal anymore. I shall wear them where all can see and know. And should I die at his hand my last wish is simple. Play the Eagles Hotel California at the funeral, cremate me and spread my ashes at the base of an old weeping willow tree. Let my children read this, let them understand why I gave them up, why I took them out of harm’s way.
As I sit here listening to my tunes, I realize the words I write hit home. Our fighting is becoming more frequent, more aggressive and shows no signs of stopping. When I ask for help no one wishes to get involved. Yes they chat with me allow me to cry on their shoulder and offer advice, but what good is advice if I cannot find the resources to escape this situation? Call shelters I’m told, don’t you think I have? Call the cops, done that too. I have no family to turn to as he effectively burned those bridges many years ago. I am alone as I face this, and shall resolve it alone I fear. I have police reports spanning 2 decades in which the cops were called on HIM, yet he blames it all on me.
For those who have allowed me to vent thank you. For those that offered to help again thank you. It means a lot to me, even though for some when I did ask for the help there always seemed to be a reason it couldn’t be done. Just know that I am in a fight for everything I believe in, everything I love and live for. If I fail know that I left knowing I am loved and hopefully that he knows how much I love him. I will not back down this time, I will not turn a blind eye and allow this to keep happening. I am not going to live forever, I’m only human and all humans are on a clock anyway. I shall find a way to live my remaining years in peace, happiness and love or I shall die trying to achieve this.

E.F.Turner aka E.T., mischievous

This relationship has not be consentual in a very long time. This morning for example, he wakes up in a mood and I sit here watching the clock as time for him to go to work seems to take forever to arrive. He tells me -=--- if I want an evening without fussing there are conditions. I say ok and what will actually doing these buy me his reply was "I don't know". I have a phone appointment with the divorce attorney this morning and I pray they can get me a protective order ASAP!

It doesn't help that a certain gal whom I have banned from my irc room is texting him fifty times daily stirring up shit, shit I haven't told her as I haven't spoken to her in weeks. Her inentions though are clear, she wishes to leave her own husband and come live with "us". She has texted this, yahoo'd it even though she has been told not to.

I have spent the last 20 years listening to "well if you want a day without fussing then do this..." Doesn't matter if I do those things and more it never delivers what he has promised but I do not have a right to be upset about that.

He stated this morning that he IS treating me as a Master should treat his slave. I nearly fell out of my chair cracking up. He has absolutely no grasp on the relationship between a Master and slave nor does he truly care to know.

Someone asked me yesterday if I understood that this is not a TPE relationship, yes I know full well that it isn't. I pen bdsm fiction and am damn good at what I do. Anyone who reads my Taylor Saga (as a whole, not just book 1) will most certainly see that I have an in depth understanding of a proper relationship between a Master and slave. Being by definition a switch, it allows me to pen from both sides of the fence, take the reader DEEP in the minds of both.

I was told flat out this morning that if I wanted him to stop bouncing me off walls I had to STOP chatting online! He doesn't permit me to have real life friends, he runs them all off. Does he really think I am going to permit him to cut me off totally from the outside world?

A good example of what I mean by cutting me off from real people, a few months ago we moved back into this trailer ok. In June. The hot water heater went on strike and it seemed nothing fixed it. I kept asking, please fix it. He refused. Well I had the jeep one day and had to pick him up from work. His boss's wife and I like to chit chat while I wait for him to clock out. She had asked me about the day the water heater just about exploded so it got into a discussion about having no hot water. The next day she brought it up with my husband and he went and bought an element because he doesn't like HER nagging him.

Now I have been ordered NOT to go into the office while I wait for him to get off work. Not that I ever have the jeep enough to actually worry about this.

This morning he accused me of running off a gal he wished to collar. Well this gal and I are irc friends, she is also local enough for real life visits. How could I in good conscious NOT tell this girl? She thought she was the reason we were fussing. I do not think I convinced her that she has nothing to do with why we fuss.

It's nearly time for me to call the attorney. I shall be back online shortly.

After spending 30 + minutes on hold, being transferred from one to another, being reminded that I all ready have an application in for divorce with legal that I filed in March of 2011 - I am told we must be separated for at least 6 months, regardless of the situation. Not only that they will NOT assist me in filing a protective order UNLESS I am able to call the cops and have him arrested, and the incident is like less than 24 hours old. Explaining about a week ago Sunday didn't matter, that I have photographs didn't matter. With all of the laws to protect domestic violence victims why the hell am I being turned away because I have not been able to get away?

Cops are called but do they arrest him hell no! Call the shelter and have to be approved for services, am currently waiting to hear back from them now.

One question though.....he is the one breaking the law, he is the one causing these problems... why the hell do I have to leave my home to get anything done? Why can't he be removed?

I now fully understand why DV are so damn pessimistic. Went to the judge this morning, spent hours in the courtroom while I TRIED to get a protective order.

Filled out all the papers sat there and waited only to be told that the judge couldn't understand why the cops had been called so many times and NOT aressted him ok. So he says he wishes to speak to at least one of the officers. So I wait. The officer comes in tells the judge everything that occurred during Ian's visit the night he responded to the call. The judge reviewed the pictures and it WAS NOT ENOUGH! He refused to issue an order of protection. He set a court date and sent my ass packing.

Now, take into consideration he is a tractor mechanic and that all the cops, judges etc own some type of farm here. Thus my husband is their # 1 guy to work on their equipment.

Now add into it that 2 of the guys he works with, best friends of his, are doing the dirt work right in front of the courthouse ok? They SAW me go in, waved to me and you can bet they burnt up his cell texting him where I was all damn morning.

So I SIt here at home waiting on a shelter to call me back letting me know if I have been approved or not. I have 6 minutes left on my cell phone and no funds to add more. Not likely hubby will, not now at least. The cell is my ONLY hope as friends are texting me and if I do not reply they will send the cops.

With all of the advocacy groups, all of the DV laws it's still on the victim to bear this burden ALONE and our justice system protects the abuser.

And our government wonders why people hate our country, refuse to vote anmore and all around just do not support what politicians try to force feed us.

Well fit hit the shan today to say the least. The girl is OUT for good.

At lunchtime hubby showed up (was supposed to come home and fix a broken water pipe). Well I think he retailited for being served yesterday. He was followed in by 2 sheriff deputies.

I was informed that the LANDLORD had gotten an order and we BOTH had to get out. He told hubby he could return after work for his things, I asked him to wait long enough so I had a ride he wouldn't. Cops gave me 15 minutes to pack and get out OR go to jail!

Then they refuse to give me a ride, ok I live 6 miles from ANY civilization! So I get thhe grass seed spreader (it has wheels) load up MY computer - which hubby demanded I leave saying he would bring it to me later. Packed 2 quick bags and set out walking.

I walked about 2 miles when a nice lady stopped and gave me a lift to Magee. My cell had -0- minutes, and I have no cash hubby made damn sure to take it this morning. Called a friend out west and he did NOT hesitate to get her a hotel room. Another covered a second night so she could get up with Ian.

She needs help, she called the shelter before she packed and they told her that since she is also now evicted she does not qualify for shelter services!

So here she sits in a hotel room alone, not knowing what to do since the shelter has turned her away, no cash, no vehicle and no clue how to cover a few more nights, or where she shall go once she can't pay any longer.

My heart goes out to ANY who have walked this path before me. I would appreciate any advice from those who may have, as I now see that all those donations made to shelters for domestic violence victims meant - as long as she herself never needed the services!

What justice is it when the agressor gets all the assistance and the victim has none? Sorry if I am a bit pissy tonight. You walk packing a archaic desktop computer, printer, 2 heavy bags and a loaded purse for 2 miles and see how you feel. Know what really ticked me off though? Do you know just how many MEN drove past, looked her up and down, a few even whistled but NONE stopped to offer help!

*Sighs and closes this post as she is quite tired.

I wish to thank a feew people who put me in contact with a good person who took me in. I am safe. I am far away from HIM and have met many wonderful people tonight.

Something like this makes one sit back and truly look at what they placed value on. Taking stock of what WAS I can see that I honestly needed to change and now that this has come abut I feel liberated, exhilarated, and free to be who I am AT LONG LAST!

I fixed mt fet so HE cannot see it, however if he does manage to figure out how to - Lewis this is for YOU:

I want you to loop Taylor Swift's - MEAN and truly listen to the words. Imagine it's ME singing it to you!

Then, I cannot recall who sing it, but I think the title is "Just give it away". It goes like this - that picture of our honeymoon, that night on Frisco Bay, just give it away, give it away. .... There ain't nothing in this house worth fighting over......give it away, just give it away.

I have needed a true fresh start for too long now, thank you. i may not have agreed with how it came about - but after 20 long years of HELL it DID happen. I am NOT going back so do not attempt to persuade me. Do for the next 50 years what you have done the last few days -- pretend that I don't exist. Don't call me, don't text me, don't email me because there is nothing about you or yours I really care to know.

Sighs happily

In the last 48 hours I have felt as if a HUGE weight has been lifted from me. I walk taller, hold my head higher and have REAL friends that YOU will never be able to run off! I have slept deeper, been more relaxed and am honestly glad I am out.

Thank you to ALL who contacted me and offered advice and help. My fight is not yet over, but nearly there. The last remaining thing is makinng this a permanent, legal divorce and THAT isin the works.

I want to extend a thank you to ALL who have been here for me during a very difficult time. I shall not name names you know who you are, but THANK YOU.

I have felt more love since leaving my hubby than I have in more years than I can count.

I must also mention that God works in mysterious ways. Just DAYS after leaving I received an email from my DAUGHTER that I hadn't seen or spoken to since 2000. She is now 24, also a lifesstyler and -- a mother! I am a grandma of a 2 and a half year old grandson!

This last week another friend has offered me a long term place to stay, a TRUSTED friend. I shall be there in a matter of days and back online soon. I have missed everyone a lot but did wish to state that I love all who have been here for me even in the smallest ways.

Ya know, my hubby would tell me "those people don't give a shit about you. They don't care, they aren't you're friends. All they want is the cyber sex." I heard this multiple times daily.

Well he was WRONG! Those who have been here for me have been wonderfully supportive. It only proves that love can extend across the planet,regardless if people have met real life or not.

For those I have met real life and who have helped, I owe you a lot. Words cannot express the strength, love and compassion you have shown me and one day I pray that I can show you how much it is appreciated.

I have not only made some wonderful friends, but I have learned so much too. THANK YOU.

*gotta stop now or I'm just gonna rattle all night.

When we lived in Kentucky we were geographically isolated. This made visiting with anyone difficult. Few came up the holler to see us unless the wanted something. Back then I didn't really notice the fact that my hubby had no desire for social interaction and actually ran off those who tried to make a connection with us.

His parents begged us to put a trailer on their land, we finally did. However when it came time to get the power hooked up, a phone etc those things were denied to us. At least until 1997 when Junior came along. His parents had purchased a double wide and put it before the old house, our family had grown too large for our trailer so we moved into the old house. It was only then that we had a phone. Our trailer was (likely still is) jury rigged on the old house's electric. It never did have running water hooked up.

Maybe for my hubby living like this was normal, but to raise a family this way was not. However I did until 2000 when I had the sense to get the kids out of the equation finally. Those are details I do not choose to share at the moment though, the actually details will be written in the novel I shall pen once the Taylor Saga is finished.

After we moved to Mississippi I began noticing that my hubby had no desires to make friends, have any social interactions. He refused to have lunch with our limited friend pool, refused to do anything except work. For him, it didn't matter that no matter how many hours he DID work, his rate of pay was insufficient to support us and he refused to ask for a raise.

He always seemed resentful that when I worked, no matter what job, I brought home far more money. But, I am a college grad and he dropped out of school in the 8th grade. I could never seem to make him see that some education would improve his pay, he just kept saying he was thankful to have a job.

A few years after we had moved here we lost a storage unit. I had been working for a car dealer,long hours. It was his task to pay the rental since my hours prevented me from getting there while they were open. He failed to do this and I never did learn what he did with the cash. That unit contained the kid's stuff mainly. Their bikes,swing set, mementos etc.

His work hours didn't allow us much time for a personal life, so he said. Yet he had time for anyone else who needed him, except me. When it came to things I wished to do there was always an excuse. And keep in mind what I asked of him NEVER involved money - simply some of his time and attention. He was always too tired, never had the gear he wanted etc. So I purchased the gear he said he wanted, managed to work out time and yet for naught.

We thought buying a house of our own might help, so we finally closed on one in January 2005. We had one of those sucky mortgages which he didn't pay. We lost that house in 2009 after trying to have the loan modified and various other things to save it. He blamed ME for this, since I had quit work in late 2008. After 18 years of me bringing in the mass of our income I was tired. I had some health issues then and needed to address them as well.

But hubby couldn't see that we had lost the house by the time I had quit and nothing would have saved it. We separated for a year just before the foreclosure. During that time he had moved us out to the trailer in the country. That arrangement in itself was a joke as well.

Why I returned, at the time I didn't have a choice.

The rent agreement for that trailer was a seemingly sweet one. His best friend owns the trailer and all he had to do was help out on the farm to pay the rent. During the separation he put in far more hours thanneeded to pay this,but the guy never paid him a dime over what rent he worked out. Nor did the guy credit it to the rent for future months.

In December of last year my hubby decided to take one day for us, to run errands mainly. This friend burned his cell phone up and we stopped on the way home at his house. We were told to move which we did, moving into town.

We stayed there for 6 months, during which time the cops were called and reports done on his abuse of me. He was informed that he could be taken to jail for preventing me from calling for help. Although them telling him this didn't stop him from making damn sure I couldn't do so anytime he choose to fuss.

During our time on main street our expenses were through the roof and we knew we had to move soon. He negotiated with his friend to let us move back into the trailer, not what I wanted but I did like the trailer and the location honestly. This time the rent would be cash OR they would keep track of hours and properly credit. That worked out fine this time.

However, when we fussed and the law got involved I was the bad guy. His co workers, friends treated me like shit and he refused to tell them not to. I wasn't permitted to go in the office if I actually had the jeep and had to pick him up from work. He didn't want me talking to other people. It was the same with the telephone too. He grilled me about who I called and why.

Every day I listened to him threaten to turn off my net and home phone, this is why I put them in my name. He could SAY it all he wanted but there was nothing he could actually do about it.

A few friends I had made, corresponded via postal mail. He would get the mail and throw a fit about it. If I checked the mail there was hell to pay. He opened mail with my name, regardless of what it was. But I wasn't supposed to open anything with his name - not even those I knew to be our bills such as electric,water etc. But, I was expected to make sure these were paid.

He was against my writing, against publishing my books. He even demanded me to unpublish them. This was an issue I refused to bend on. I had delayed my writing for over 2 decades for HIM, and was not going to any longer.

Ya know, I have been blasted for speaking my peace here by some and KNOW I shall be by my current husband when he ever sees this. But frankly I don't give a rat's ass. I have spoken the truth and am tired of making excuses for his behavior.

For nearly a DECADE in Kentucky I was for all practical purposes a HOSTAGE up in that holler. I couldn't go out of the holler without PERMISSION from his PARENTS. They controlled our lives for too damn long. The move to Mississippi was supposed to relieve this, but my husband began doing the same things.

I wasn't permitted to have friends over. I wasn't permitted to meet up at a coffee shop for coffe. I wasn't permitted to CALL them. Believe me our daily routine consisted of him returning from work grilling me about who I had called and spoke to that day. Any trips I did to town alone was the same. Where did I go? Who did I see? etc etc.

Considering most of those who know me also know I RARELY even went outside into the yard know I gave him no reason to suspect anything. I spent my days cleaning house, cooking, chatting and working on my books. But for my husband this wasn't good enough because it took time away from him. (his own words) - I was supposed to basically sit with no phone, tv or internet and THINK about him period.

The only reason I even had phone and internet was because those 2 bills were in MY name and although he tried to call and have them disconnected he couldn't.

Even the time I spent writing on the books pissed him off although it was done while he was at work.

On a better note the Lord moves in mysterious ways. Let me give you a shining example.

I left Lewis on the Wednesday before Halloween ok? On Monday I get an email from my oldest daughter whom I haven't heard from since 2000. I learn I have a 2 year old grandson! On Thanksgiving this daughter calls my other children! The next oldest girl is about to finish her first master's degree in history, just got married and all 5 are doing wonderfully!

Now there is also something about my husband FEW are aware of and this shall be a bombshell - and for those who choose to research it to verify what I say please fetmail me for the personal details to complete this task as I will not post them in a public thread.

On May 20, 1993 my HUSBAND was arrested and charged with 1st degree child abuse of my oldest daughter. This occurred in Kentucky. It is why she has lived with her biological father. In June of 2000 he was CONVICTED of this charge and sentenced to 5 years in the state pen.

This conviction is a CLASS C felony.

I have posted this little fact because my husband is currently courting a 23 year old girl who has a very young daughter. I am concerned about her, she knows this because I have spoken to her. The girl tell sme she wishes nothing to do with him and has made up all sorts of excuses not to meet him. I think she has though and my concern is for her child. I KNOW what he did to my oldest daughter and the hell my other 5 lived before I finally got them out too. I lived that hell myself for nearly 20 years before I managed to get myself out and do not wish to see another go through it.

For any who wish to VERIFY these allegations, feel free to fetmail me for my husband,s full name, county in which this occurred etc. Naturally I will not give ssn etc for those are not necessary to pull these facts. The case has been well documented overs the years and isn't hard to look up.

I am SICK and TIRED of him hiding this fact from everyone, even his employers. His current employer has no clue about this conviction. He is around small children, mostly female children nearly every day. The charge he was convicted of was NOT a sexual charge - it was for striking my daughter in the face with an object.

That in itself is another story for another day. But his johnny mr perfect image he has tried to make people believe in, is simply that - a LIE. It's high time the ENTIRE truth be told.

I must say one never really grasps the hell the live in until that hell is gone. I have noticed many things that had caused me grief with HIM that I am now having to adjust to being able to do..... such as:

1. being able to get up during the night when I can't sleep and actually get out of bed without getting my head bit off. The one I just left pretty much demanded that even if I couldn't sleep that I stay in the bed because me getting up took time away from HIM. When I would get up and go sit at the computer it always started a fight.

2. Actually having friends that HE couldn't run off, true friends that stuck with me through this ordeal of leaving and trying to get myself back on my feet.

3. Hearing little things like COMPLIMENTS. I have heard nothing but negative shit for so long that now when someone says something positive to me I am not sure how to take it. One example is that HE never told me how nice looking I am - only that HE thought I was too skinny and needed to put weight on. Last night someone called me "a hot piece of ass" and it surprised me.

4. Being able to pick up the phone and call a friend and not having to worry about getting chewed out for discussing things HE thought I shouldn't be. But then everything was something he thought I shouldn't be discussing. He hated it if I talked about my troubles with ANYONE.

5. Not hearing his friends say degrading things about me, and the fact that when his friends said such things I was NOT permitted to say a word to them. The best example of this is that most who hang with me on IRC KNOW where I spent my time while HE was at work. I had no visitors, no calls nothing ok? HIS friends would tell him I had a parade of men coming out of the trailer. I was not permitted to say a word to them, not permitted to do anything to stop their crap. The one time I did it was war in the house.

The latest example of this was October 16. HIS friends pulled in around 8am the night after the MPEG auction / play party. We had gotten home at 4 am. HIS friends sat outside and hooked like crazy, even after they knew we were both awake. He stopped me from going outside and chewing them out. The following weekend we happened to catch the guilty party parked and resting after work. We stopped and HE went to chat with this friend telling ME to remain in the jeep. After about 10 minutes they were still chatting so I walked over. I stood next to HIM and asked Andy if he had a "horny" problem. Andy grinned at me sheepishly but said nothing. I moved a little closer to Andy to make damn sure he heard me and I said...... Hey Andy the next time you get this pressing horny problem I'm quite sure I can find something better for you to blow.

Andy's face became quite red and HE was not amused. Right after that we went home where I nearly laughed until I pissed myself. HE fussed at me for DAYS over this, that I had no respect for HIS friends. He failed to see it was HIS friends who pulled in right outside OUR bedroom window with the horny problem.

It wasn't one big thing that destroyed this marriage, it was a million little things like this. HIS friends had the right to disrespect ME yet I was NOT permitted to say a word about it, nor was I permitted to even discuss things like this with MY friends.

Another thing I noticed while shopping with my daughter today, it is SOOOOOOOOOO nice not to get yelled at over purchases. I can't tell you how embarassing it was to buy maxi pads - then before even choosing them being griped at about how much they cost, how he didn't understand why he had to even buy them etc.

It's so refreshing to shop with someone who will actually suggest to you to buy something, get what you need hunny. I have heard the negative crap so long at times I think people must look at me strange for my reactions.

Or after all of the years that it was my income supporting HIM, going shopping only to be told that if I wish to buy something to get a damn job.

So many little things.........

After 20 years you would think he could have learned to pick up his nasty, smelly, icky socks...................nope. I would find them stuffed in the arms of the couch, drug all over the house by the kittens, under the mattress or his pillow, and on a rare occasion actually in the hamper.

After 20 years is it too much to ask that he know how I like my coffee and actually make me a cup now and then? Or that I hate subway pizza subs?

It's the little things........and given enough time I shall itemize them I suppose right here.

Many see that I have been bouncing from place to place. From Mississippi, to Michigan and now to the west coast. It isn't fair that the victim is the one who should be displaced, but I must say I have learned there are some amazing people out here.

My hubby has stopped courting the young girl and from what I have heard has moved in a gal who actually helped ME call the law on HIM this time last year! I emailed her asking her what was up and she actually told me that HE deserved better?!?

His fetlife profile is obviously done by her, he isn't so good with words.....quite frankly I nearly split a gut laughing when I read it........:P

I am currently once again speaking to Legal Aid trying to get the divorce going. My hubby has lied to many, he has told them the divorce is all ready final -- in reality he has filed NOTHING! I honestly hope he tries to hook up with the gal he moved in -- let her learn the type of asshole he really is since she refused to listen to facts.

I will say this - as long as she is a BBW and BREEDABLE she should be fine.....if these things change she is worthless to him.......

Over the last several weeks I know I have been one confusing brat :P

I am settled now with a wonderful Master who has given me a steel collar that is magnificent! Serving him 24 / 7 is the most remarkable experience I have ever had.

Those of you who have known me a while also know this is all I have ever sought. I feel as if I have found what has been lacking in my life. Even I had not realized what I had been lacking until I was in Master Doug's hands.

Now that I am a 24 / 7 slave I seek only to please my Master and do things that make him proud to have me as his own. I am not perfect, no one is, but I strive to do better every day.

Over the weekend I learned I can be brought to tears very quickly :) especially when it is something I more than deserved. That experience was also very fulfilling as well.

Ok this shall be the LAST entry on this journal. I have a few things I wish to address, mention and ponder on.

1. On my hubby - for all to see him for the lying ass he is do look at his fetlife _ MASTER_LEWIS49

according to fetlife AND facebook he and notta are living together building a relationship. I wish them the best IF this is true. Lewis has told our daughter that he and notta broke up weeks ago and he is now dating another.

Lewis has also told everyone that our divorce is final, that I am emailing and calling his friends causing trouble and a bunch of other crap. Those who know me also know I log everything I do - and now that I am owned by a true Master he monitors what I do.

Our divorce is NOT final yet - he has not bothered even trying to file for one. I must wait until April to file on my end UNLESS he will agree to it and simply sign the papers I have sent him.

When I called his boss to see about asking him to speak to me to negotiate this divorce his boss was under the impression the divorce was final. So, good riddance to lying rubbish...........

2. In February I stayed with a different Dom. I respected this Dom and had hoped on becoming his girl. His situation was a strange one. He is married and his wife also a Domme with her own female slave. I was lead to believe they sought a play slave for HIM when in reality what they sought was a domestic slave that would serve to do their domestic duties with nothing bdsm in return. Discussions with the wife lead me to understand the man had some serious health issues he refused to have checked out and he used these as excuses not to enjoy his new slave. I was also confused as to why they would bring another into their home when they could not afford the basic needs for themselves - such as food and fuel for their vehicle. After being pressured into providing these for them out of funds Master Doug had sent me for other things I left. They thanked me by contacting my new Master and lying to him. Thankfully I log everything and he saw their attempts and we have washed our hands of this.

I am fully aware that as a slave coming into a home I am to do as told, not question etc etc. But, I am also one who needs to see the logic of things and that situation made no sense to me. In this instance I felt I had the right to ask questions since the situation was misrepresented to me. I was told I would be his girl and this was not true. What they wished was someone to tend to their housework, cooking and financially support them. I also understand this is the duty of some slaves - to support their dominants. My issue was that this was not what was presented to me before I went to them, nor was it what was discussed during the stay - but it WAS the reality of the situation.

Giving this relationship almost a month I finally accepted Master Doug's offer and left on Feb 24, 2012 to live as I was meant to - in chains and service to Master Doug.

Friday I was preparing everything to head to the farm for the weekend when my tracfone rang. It was the SHERIFF in the county where my husband lives. Apparently he hadn't shown up for work in a couple of weeks and his employer reported him missing.

Someone had entered their residence and the dog had been locked inside. A crock pot was left turned on with a roast that had boiled dry and molded. His Jeep was still in the driveway. The deputy asked if I had seen or heard from him and the details about why I had left. I kept it short and asked him about Lewis's girlfriend Ami. (notta_brat here on fetlife). She was also missing he informed me.

So, I asked if they had contacted her people in Baltimore. He explained that he had contacted all of her FACEBOOK friends and no one had heard from her since May 26, 2012.

So, I asked if maybe Lewis had been picked up on that old warrant from Kentucky and was in jail somewhere. He didn't know about any warrant but said he would check that out. I also asked if he had contacted Lewis's family in Kentucky and he said no. So I gave him that information and he thanked me and hung up telling me he would keep me informed.

I immediately called Lewis's dad in Kentucky and spoke with his younger brother. Dwayne was baffled when I told him about the call I had just received. He explained (rather annoyed) that Lewis and Ami had shown up on their doorstep unannounced dropping off a car load of belongings and 6 cats before the high tailed to Ohio. I thanked him and said it would be wise for him to tell Lewis about the report.

I called Lewis's employer who has always been good to me. He told me that ever since I had left Lewis had seemed as if he might be on something. That since he had hooked up with Ami he hasn't been right. (I am quoting his words not mine). He would be talking with Lewis and he would just be staring off into space. That the Friday before May 26, Lewis had picked up his check at lunch and told him that he needed to run to Richland to sign some papers with a real estate agent and would hurry back. That was the last time his employer saw him.

Some have said or assumed that I was the problem in this relationship. Lewis just demonstrated that he values NOTHING in life. He walked away from mementos of our children and hand made things from family members who have passed on. Left our children's memories for basic strangers to pilfer through and throw away.

He also hasn't even worried about where his wedding ring is........ The ring he promised to his first born son.

He walked out on the best job he ever held. He walked away from the best friends he ever had. Friends who have been there for him time and time again, just got in a vehicle and poof.

But some said I was the bad guy............. I was the demanding one for insisting he pay the storage unit bill where many of those mementos where. For over two decades I fought this type of behavior (and worse) for what? All I honestly accomplished was that the children were NOT raised in that environment and I finally got myself out too.

The missing person report is still open because they have not located either of them. Apparently the cell phones have been disconnected as well. The child Lewis was convicted of abusing lives in Michigan with her father. We have speculated that maybe he learned I had been up there and he is trying to follow, or he is trying to find her. None of us know.

Regardless, it's a terrible thing to have those I told you so moments. No one in Mississippi really believed that he was as bad as I made out until now. The act he put on for those outside closed doors he just blew up. Now everyone sees him for what he really is.

Although this fact should have brought me some satisfaction to know that others finally saw what I had for years, it hasn't. Maybe it's because I had held out a hope he might eventually become a person his children could truly love and look up to...............

Now I am left yet again to make arrangements for my daughter to try to retrieve any mementos he has left behind before the landlord disposes of them. Wish me luck on this because the children deserve to have the afghans their grandmother made, their photo albums and such.

One last complication on this. For years he has said he would sign a divorce if I filed it. So, I have been working on that paperwork and now have no clue where to have it served on him.

For someone who was so damned driven to get me out of his life one way or another, why hide now when the paperwork is near ready to be signed?

Just an update...... the missing person report is still open - they haven't found him yet. Pix on their facebook pages look as if they were taken in a homeless shelter.

He WILL be attending the Crimson Moon Halloween Party........there is likely a reward for anyone who provides info as to Lewis' whereabouts so they can arrest him..........

Amy also has warrants out for trying to assume my identity. She signed MY name on his tax returns, tried to get a mortgage in MY name among other id fraud issues.............

Regardless of all these issues ---- THE DIVORCE IS FILED! He has 30 days to respond to it. And he will likely not respond, so by default I will be granted my divorce AND anything else I have asked for, such as 1500 monthly alimony......cost of things he disposed of which he had no right to do so like my college degree and my poetry awards I wasn't able to take with me when I left;.

So now I'm NOT going to countdown because it makes the days too damn long! :P

And a teeny note to him because I know he sees this writing..........SIGN THE PAPERS is all you need to do. If not i will pursue it on the grounds of domestic violence and I will pull every time the cops got involved, every police call, every 911 call from 2 states over almost 20 years. Not to mention the 2 witnesses who actually tried to stop you from attacking me. You recall a next door neighbor in Brookhaven? Yea I spoke to him, he would love to help out. And what about a close friend who actually came into our bedroom to find you trying to crush my chest? And what YOU whispered into my ear while I sat at the computer after said friend broke up the fuss?

You do not want me to go there, trust me. Just sign the papers.

What you whispered WAS overheard by said friend by the way........and that one comment IS criminal, carries a hefty penalty, do you want that baby girl of yours left alone in this world while you do anymore time than what you have coming now?

For all who have kept up on the happenings concerning my soon to be ex husband I have had some heart wrenching revelations in this part year.

Some asked me why I stayed. The first decade I had 5 small children and desperately wanted to make the marriage work. Remember I had already divorced one hubby and felt like I didn't wish to screw up a 2nd time.

I was financially, emotionally and otherwise dependent on Lewis. The kids loved him because for the most part we kept our fusses out of their sight. Also, when I would try to leave I would literally be drug back by my hair by Lewis or his mother. For all practical purposes I was held against my will for the end of the first decade with Lewis.

I realized he was a true danger to the children in 2000. I managed to make DHS understand (I think they thought I might be crazy or something lol) that it was imperative the kids get out and get out now. That they all stay together and our rights get terminated so Lewis could never, EVER find them.

I believe that I stayed the second decade so I could make damn sure he didn't try to find any of our children. I stayed until it was almost too late for me.

He has held a deep resentment for me ever since we signed our parental rights away. Blamed me for it, and yes I accept that. i OWN that because I did the best thing I could ever do for my babies. I got them out and made damn sure they had the life they deserved, not one filled with physical and emotional and mental abuse.

Since I have reunited with my 2 oldest girls and we have talked for hours on end, they understand now. After my second oldest actually met with Lewis and Amy (notta_brat) for lunch at Olive Garden, she knew I had not lied to her and she cried with me on the phone the next day for over 2 hours, (both of our phones died).

Do I have regrets? Yes I wish I could have kept the kids with me and got away from him too, but that wasn't in the cards. I am no angel myself, when Lewis would abuse me I gave as good as I got (so they say). I sure as hell wasn't going to let him treat me like that and not protect myself.

Today I see the defensive scars on the back of my hands and I KNOW I made it out alive. I see the pinkie on my right hand where I literally grabbed the knife he was trying to stab me with. It required 4 stitches so I have a reminder of how close I came. I can no longer tell you which scar came from which incident and honestly I am glad for that. But with so many reminders, not just on my hands but arms and legs as well, I can't help but remind myself NEVER AGAIN. I wear those scars like a badge or courage. Courage that helped me get out alive, courage that kept my children safe until they became of age and could make their own choices as adults on the matter.

My issues with their father are NOT and never will be their issues. I refuse to put them in the middle of that mess.

Anyway, this has been on my mind for several days now. So, to belatedly answer the why didn't I just leave I hope you understand now.

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